All Brexit arguments settled by 0.5 per cent third-quarter growth

ALL debates about the negative impact of Brexit have been settled for good by Britain’s 0.5 per cent third-quarter growth.

Leading Remain campaigners, including former chancellor George Osborne, are preparing public apologies and the nation’s 16 million Remain voters are expected to follow suit.

Joanna Kramer of Bristol said: “It’s not easy to admit you’re wrong but I don’t see I have any choice.

“Britain is thriving with only a 0.2 per cent decline on expected growth, national pride has exploded into a proud display of healthy scepticism towards supposed child refugees, and I was a fool.

“How could I have been so blind not to see that glory would be upon us this soon, if only we had the courage to take back control?

“I’m sorry, everyone. I’m sorry I was a traitor.”

Brexit voter Stephen Malley said: “What am I going to do for conversation now?”

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First wave of Bake Off support groups established 

GREAT British Bake Off fans will be able to judge the Victoria sponges of strangers under new support schemes.

As the show moves to Channel 4 where it will never be heard from again, self-help groups have sprung up to deal with the loss.

Roy Hobbs said: “We’ll meet in a church hall every Thursday evening to mutter that a woman we’ve never met is a stuck-up bitch whose shortbread looks shit.

“The verger’s wife has just left him and he’s had his hair dyed and bought a motorbike to compensate so we’ve even got our own Paul Hollywood lined up.”

Psychologists say that withdrawal symptoms from the show are linked to the part of the brain that deals with mourning, grief and the desire for cake.

The support groups will raise funds to hire a writer to come up with double-entendres about sogginess and moisture by selling the cakes they make which will in turn be criticised for their sogginess or lack of moisture.