Teachers outside schools with big baskets of GCSEs for anyone who wants one

TEACHERS have announced they will be outside schools all day with big baskets brimming with GCSEs so come and grab as many as you want.

Secondary schools around the country have so many top-graded GCSEs that there are plenty not just for pupils, but for anyone in the wider community who suffered the historical injustice of not getting qualifications because they were thick. 

Headteacher Mary Fisher said: “What would you like? Maths? History? Spanish? Or just reach into the basket and take a few at random, it doesn’t matter. There’s loads to spare.

“Thanks to Gavin Williamson, the greatest education secretary of all time based on results, there’s GCSEs for everyone. Come one, come all!” 

16-year-old Lucy Parry said: “I got top grades in all the subjects I took, plus music, home economics and Mandarin for good measure. Then I called my dad over to fill his boots. 

“He was in tears as he shovelled GCSEs into his arms. Maths, computer science, all that stuff he never got at school. He said it was the greatest day of his life and I’ve got to take him out for a meal.” 

Teacher Martin Bishop said: “It’s all very well, but we’ve got 18 barrels of media studies GCSEs back there that we can’t give away. We’ll have to burn them.”

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Have an open relationship, and other terrible sex advice

ARE you and your partner worried about your sex life becoming stale? Here totally unqualified ‘sexpert’ Donna Sheridan gives some advice that will ruin your lives.

Sleep with other people 

If you’re open-minded enough, this will really spice up your sex lives. Although it’s possible one partner will just go out shagging while the less attractive one sits at home, watching TV and crying.

Watch porn together 

All sex experts recommend this. It sounds liberal and erotic, until you realise the bulk of porn is pretty degrading to women. But give it a whirl anyway, you might discover an interest in ‘watersports’, MILF bukkake parties and utterly strange anime porn.

Act out your wildest fantasies 

Don’t be inhibited – if you want to dress as a naughty French maid, go right ahead. The only problem that might arise is if your partner’s fantasies are too strange, eg. they want to try having sex with fish while dressed as Captain Birdseye.

Experiment with bondage

There’s no way inflicting pain on your partner, or vice versa, could cause problems in a relationship! It all looked pretty sexy in 50 Shades of Gray, which is admittedly the only research I’ve done into this.

Talk about what turns you on

Endlessly discuss your sex life. You’ll learn how to maximise each other’s pleasure, until you get so bored of sex talk you’d rather discuss rising inflation rates. And don’t forget to mention it in any social situation – dinner party guests will be fascinated by your decision to experiment with butt plugs.