Teenager is first in his family to go to university with two Es

A TEENAGER has won a place at a third-rate university with lower grades than any previous member of his family.

Despite recent concerns about low-grade students being excluded from higher education, Tom Logan got into Swindon Metropolitan University with just two deeply unimpressive Es.

He said: “It’s important to show that university isn’t just for posh kids with wealthy parents, it’s for ordinary people with shit A-levels like me.

“Technically I’m not the first of my family to have gone to university – my mum, dad, two sisters and quite a lot of other relatives did – but I’m the first to have done it with almost no aptitude for learning.

“I feel like I’m really breaking down boundaries. I hope other people read this and say, ‘Yes, I can study Textile Management and Child Psychology at a former poly too.’

“It can be a daunting experience to suddenly find yourself surrounded by privileged kids with Cs and Ds, but at the end of the day we’re all here to get stoned.”

Logan’s tutor Donna Sheridan said: “I can easily see Tom going on to great things, like working in an office.”

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Theresa May's guide to hanging on like an idiot

IT’S not just prime ministers who should never give up! Here are my tips for hanging on grimly in everyday life.

Job interviews

If you don’t get a job, ring the interviewer several times a day and ask them to reconsider. They will soon realise you’re exactly the sort of determined person they need on their team.

Asking someone out

I’m no relationship expert, but if someone refuses to go out with you, you should just keep asking them. Mindlessly repeating yourself has always worked brilliantly for me.

Keep ringing, texting and giving them inappropriately expensive gifts. If they start refusing to meet in person, leave them at their workplace or home. No one wants to go out with a ‘quitter’!


If you’ve lost most of your pieces, play on rather than resigning and ending the tedium. Something might come along, such as the game being declared void due to an earthquake.

Being pulled up by the police

Flatly refuse to get out of the car, provide any ID or give a breath test. The hapless officers won’t know what to do with a ‘bloody difficult’ person like you and will send you cheerily on your way.

Publishing a book

If your book has been rejected by 40 reputable publishers it is probably a work of genius. Keep making minor changes and resubmitting it, even if you are now in your 17th year of doing this.

Don’t forget you can always self-publish! There are still 200 copies of my own children’s book Clarence the Brave Brexit Cat on Amazon for £0.01.