THE nineties weren’t all cheap housing and guilt-free FHM purchases. These are the intolerable hardships kids back then suffered:
The last five minutes of The Weakest Link
Back then if you wanted to catch the good couch bit in the Simpsons intro on BBC2, you were forced to sit through Anne Robinson quizzing a pair of blue-shirted cretins in the head-to-head round. On the worst days it went to sudden death and the punishing ordeal dragged on for an extra 30 seconds. Kids these days are lucky, although The Simpsons is shit now.
Game Boy screens
Game Boy screens were tiny, impossible to make out because they weren’t backlit, and only displayed various shades of green. Victorian child labourers had it tough in coal mines and shit, but they didn’t give themselves neck cramps playing Amazing Tater.
Want the transfer news? Sit through pages of pixelated bullshit loading at glacial pace. And poor joy-hungry kids struggled to have fun by playing Bamboozle! on page 152. The disappointed face of quizmaster Bamber still appears in their minds when they fail to perform sexually.
Neither young nor naive enough to believe 80s claims about CDs being indestructible, the next generation inherited second-hand copies of Jagged Little Pill that a cartel of coke-importers had used to cut lines on. For youngsters who lived through this dark decade, 9/11 and Iraq felt like a pleasant change of pace.
The connection speeds were atrocious, you had to listen to the sound of a computer making sweet love to another, and you’d lose your mp3 because Dad needed the landline. Even when you accessed the web there was f**k all on it worth looking at. As an adult, you’d give anything to return to this internet-free golden age.