Walkers shortage may lead to Britain eating much better crisps

A SHORTAGE of Walkers Crisps may lead to Britons eating other crisp brands that taste much nicer, experts have warned. 

The leading crisp manufacturer has admitted that production will not be able to meet demand for the rest of November, leaving snackers with no option but to eat crisps which do not leave a foul greasy film over their whole mouths.

Crisp fan Tom Logan said: “A month without crisps that come in 600 different flavours and brands but all taste exactly the f**king same? This is a disaster for Walkers.

“Ever since their Lineker-enforced hegemony began in the 1990s actual proper crisps have become a niche item. Especially in the Midlands, as if those poor bastards haven’t suffered enough.

“Decent crisps have either fled to family sharing bags or are only available in regions, like brave hold-outs against a dictatorship. Everywhere you turn it’s Walkers or Walkers’ Sensations or horrible American Doritos.

“For a month we can enjoy flavourful, thrilling crisps. Our mouths will tingle to Seabrook or Tyrrell’s or beautiful Taytos. The whole nation will realise Walkers are a pale, tasteless mockery of God’s own food.

“Then Walkers will be back in the shops and we’ll buy them again, because we’re a nation of shit-eating twats.”

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Woman overthinks relationship with man before he's even swiped right

A WOMAN has spent two hours imagining the rise and inevitable end in heartbreak of her relationship with a man who has not yet swiped back.  

Charlotte Phelps swiped prospective match Ryan Whittaker earlier today because her friends encouraged her to, and believes they must share the blame for the disaster that their relationship will become.

She said: “His first picture is him being lifted up by a big group of mates. Popular’s a good thing, but where will I rank in that group? Am I going to be on my own every Friday for boys’ night? Will they sabotage our relationship to keep ‘fun Ryan’?

“Then take the distance. One kilometre away. That’s convenient. Too convenient. The foundation of our relationship would be settling for what’s easy. We’d never be tested, to prove we truly wanted one another, and that will prove fatal.

“Obviously he’ll fall for me, because I’ve similar hair to that girl who’s probably his ex that he’s cropped out of his second picture. But we can’t pretend that his bio, ‘not looking for serious… or am I?’ didn’t exist.

“Resentment would build. When he gets down on one knee, he’ll only be thinking about what could have been. The travelling he could have done. Which of course he couldn’t because we’ll have a £2,364 monthly mortgage payment for our five-bed townhouse.

“So that’s why when he swiped I ignored it. For the sake of the happiness of our unborn children. Also his skinny jeans really gave me the ick.”