Six opinion poll results that demolish your faith in humanity

DO you see opinion polls and wonder what the f**k is wrong with people? These results make you despair: 

Boris Johnson is still ahead

There must be a rational explanation. Maybe Brexit diehards, or Starmer’s preternatural blandness? Or perhaps we’ll never know, like with UFO sightings or what happened to Lord Lucan. Though the nanny-murdering, gambling-obsessed toff would have been a better PM.

Many Britons have serious cognitive problems

For example, 40 per cent of people believe in ghosts. So we never really die and death is meaningless? And you’re cool with entering a possibly-horrific spirit plane? Do you get a house or just float around forever? The very next poll confirms these people are allowed to vote.

Obvious piss-taking treated seriously

A recent poll found that schoolchildren believed Guy Fawkes invented the fork. Most amusing, kids. But lapped up by Britain’s many miserable old sods who now have more evidence that youngsters are feckless imbeciles.

A love of extreme punishments

Our fellow citizens sometimes express a desire for old-fashioned physically harsh punishments, such as flogging and hard labour. If the question was ‘Should car thieves be slowly lowered into a tank of alligators and you could buy tickets?’ you know what they’d answer.

Who has the best arse

The planet is burning, but Britons are being asked if Amanda Holden and Andy Murray deserved to win Rear of the Year in 2019. And while the very question does give rise to existential despair about out future as a species, the correct answer is ‘of course f**king not’.

The subjective opinions of idiots

The worst kind of poll deals in perceptions, for example ‘are you happier now than you were this time last year?’ So subjective it’s meaningless. You could have met the love of your life, the economy could be booming, or maybe you’ve just eaten a really nice sausage.

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Five British November traditions that are way better than Thanksgiving

ENVIOUS of Americans for their late November festivities? Here’s five homegrown traditions that will make you glad you were born British: 

Bonfire night

A Thanksgiving feast of sweet potato with marshmallows or turkey with a blueberry glaze is nothing compared to losing a tooth on bonfire toffee while a scarecrow with a goatee goes up in flames for public-spiritedly attempting to blow up Parliament.

Remembrance Day

Snuggled up in slankets watching the Superbowl, Yanks will never appreciate the simple charm of shutting the f**k up for two minutes and watching some bastard politicians lay a wreath.

Getting angry about early Christmas

With no buffer period between Halloween and Christmas, we Brits get to experience the righteous anger of seeing Christmas decorations up on November 1st while scorning attempt to make Black Friday a thing. It’s beautiful and heartwarming to see.

Strictly Come Dancing

They’ve got Dancing With The Stars over there, but it’s a poor imitation with no wife-swapping. The November build-up to find out who is leaving their long-term spouse to become tabloid fodder for six months is far more wholesome than any family reunion.


As the nights draw in, Americans travel thousands of miles to be with loved ones, while we venture out in our Nissan Micras to watch strangers nosh each other off in car parks. It gets a bit tawdry by the festive season.