DO you see opinion polls and wonder what the f**k is wrong with people? These results make you despair:
Boris Johnson is still ahead
There must be a rational explanation. Maybe Brexit diehards, or Starmer’s preternatural blandness? Or perhaps we’ll never know, like with UFO sightings or what happened to Lord Lucan. Though the nanny-murdering, gambling-obsessed toff would have been a better PM.
Many Britons have serious cognitive problems
For example, 40 per cent of people believe in ghosts. So we never really die and death is meaningless? And you’re cool with entering a possibly-horrific spirit plane? Do you get a house or just float around forever? The very next poll confirms these people are allowed to vote.
Obvious piss-taking treated seriously
A recent poll found that schoolchildren believed Guy Fawkes invented the fork. Most amusing, kids. But lapped up by Britain’s many miserable old sods who now have more evidence that youngsters are feckless imbeciles.
A love of extreme punishments
Our fellow citizens sometimes express a desire for old-fashioned physically harsh punishments, such as flogging and hard labour. If the question was ‘Should car thieves be slowly lowered into a tank of alligators and you could buy tickets?’ you know what they’d answer.
Who has the best arse
The planet is burning, but Britons are being asked if Amanda Holden and Andy Murray deserved to win Rear of the Year in 2019. And while the very question does give rise to existential despair about out future as a species, the correct answer is ‘of course f**king not’.
The subjective opinions of idiots
The worst kind of poll deals in perceptions, for example ‘are you happier now than you were this time last year?’ So subjective it’s meaningless. You could have met the love of your life, the economy could be booming, or maybe you’ve just eaten a really nice sausage.