Enthusiastic on Mondays, and other signs you're the worst colleague

DO your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why: 

You’re enthusiastic

You bounce in, bright-eyed, ready to really get cracking on another week of work. Why? You don’t get paid any more for it. Surely it can’t be genuine?

You schedule 9am meetings

It’s accepted that nine-to-five jobs really start at 10am. Maybe 9.30am in extreme circumstances, for example your distribution centre being on fire. To expect everyone to be fully functioning during your bollocks meeting at what’s virtually dawn? Inexcusable.

You chase up emails

No-one’s unaware you sent them an email. All we do is stare at emails for seven point five hours a day. We’re trying to muster strength to type a few words back so stop wildly chasing for the completion of a meaningless, mundane task and let us do the bare minimum in peace.

You make unsolicited suggestions

‘Sorry can I just interrupt to say–’  No, you can’t, you loathsome twat. Keep your advice to yourself and go back to chasing up pointless emails you sent 20 minutes ago. ‘Have you tried calling–’ Try f**king off.

You overshare

Monday is for discussing how much work sucks. Your delusion that anyone cares what you got up to in the garden this weekend or last night’s dream is unhinged. To keep going while everyone’s eyes glaze over in dead, resentful silence is a real achievement.

You arrange activities

The time for a mass email about some really fantastic organised fun is not now. Not ever, but definitely not now. Asked everyone to take part in a hilarious challenge? Come up with a brilliant team-building exercise? Do you know that every other employee is fantasising your demise?

You actually take this shit seriously

You’re sending concerned emails after 5pm. You devise new systems and expect people to use them. You shoot disparaging looks at anyone engaged in a quick 40-minute chat about Taskmaster. Don’t you realise? People are only here for money.

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Tory MP to recommend Fairy Non Bio during sleaze debate

A CONSERVATIVE MP is to use today’s Commons sleaze debate to recommend huggably soft for sensitive skin Fairy Non Bio. 

Joseph Turner, member for Monmouth, will counter Labour’s accusations of Tory corruption by holding the detergent high and promising it is the best on the market for shifting stains while leaving clothes soft and fresh.

Turner said: “The same old clapped-out lazy Labour stories about sleaze are a black mark on the white sheet of our democracy. Like Bold or Daz, they are irritating.

“But voters can rest easy in clean, comfortable beds safe in the knowledge that the Conservatives will wash out all those stubborn smears and stenches of immorality, just as Fairy Non Bio does to your laundry.

“Available as pods, liquid or the traditional powder Michael Gove swears by, Fairy Non Bio banishes troublesome thoughts about needing to replace your government.

“There, that’s my hour’s consulting work done for this month. Invoice £33,000 to be paid in 30 days.”

Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said: “I mean, it is true that no matter what shit they’re in it just washes off like it was never f**king there.”