Idiot Londoner learning to drive

A MORON Londoner is learning to drive in the belief it will get her around the city faster.

Penge resident Lucy Parry, aged 21, has decided that the city’s underground network, overground network, buses, taxis, Ubers and rickshaws are not convenient enough so is subjecting herself to the ordeal of learning to drive in the capital.

Parry said: “Nobody I know living in London has bothered getting a driving licence, so the roads must be pretty empty. Pootling from Wembley to Greenwich during rush hour will be a doddle.

“Once I’ve got my driving licence I can wave goodbye to crowded commutes on the Bakerloo line, and say hello to awe and jealousy as I effortlessly swerve into one of the many available city centre parking spaces.

“And it’s so much more cost-effective. Instead of forking out on Travelcards and coffees, I’ll just have to pay for a car, insurance, road tax, fuel and the congestion charge. I can put my savings towards a deposit.

“I’m so sick of bloody rude elbowing commuters. I can’t wait to join my courteous fellow motorists with a cheery wave and pip of the horn as we deferentially give way to each other.”

Instructor Martin Bishop said: “In Lucy’s first lesson she stalled so many times, she caused tailbacks on the A213 as far back as Croydon. I charged her £28 for it and will be charging that weekly for two years.”

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Woman younger than Timothee Chalamet still feels creepy for fancying him

A WOMAN who is a year younger than actor Timothée Chalamet still feels like a raging nonce for fancying him, she has admitted.

Eleanor Shaw, aged 24, is aware that the Dune star would have been in the year above her at school so there is nothing technically wrong with wanting to jump his age-appropriate bones, but confessed that it feels bad and shameful.

She said: “When I see him the initial tide of lust is immediately polluted by an oil slick of profound guit. I want to shag him senseless, but I know what he really needs a good square meal and help with his DT coursework.

“His lanky, brooding vibe makes me feel like a teenage girl, which I’m not, and also makes me feel like his mum and like I should be cautioned by the police.

“There would be nothing wrong with us going out, if it came to it. Legally it’d be fine. I’ve Googled it about twenty times to check there’s no error on his Wikipedia page.”

“But I just can’t get over that he looks like my friend’s fit older brother or the horny French exchange kid who smokes at the back of the bus.”

Sighing, she added: “I’ll wait until he starts losing his hair. At which point I won’t fancy him anymore, obviously.”