Temporary traffic lights opportunity for mindfulness, claim men in hi-viz

HIGHWAYS workers have urged the public to embrace the opportunity for relaxation and centering oneself afforded by their temporary lights. 

Rather than viewing long delays at a four-way junction as an obstacle, workers have suggested motorists live in the moment even when that moment is idling in traffic on a busy A-road.

Construction worker Nathan Muir said: “Live slow. Relax. Breathe in and out. Abandon your worries and judgement.

“Our high-viz jackets are the same saffron as the robes worn by Buddhist monks. We added these reflective patches to urge you to reflect on your existence.

“Sometimes we’ll gesture at you because we want to recommend a restful pose. Or draw up in a truck full of bitumen to encourage you to take deep, soothing breaths, hold, and then exhale through the nose.

“Don’t worry. If you seem ready to explode with stress we’ll keep you on red for a bit longer, to give you time to achieve that perfect moment of Zen-like calm.

“We’re from a higher spiritual plane. Except for Martin. He’s from Nuneaton.”

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Woman on date pretending she can't finish pizza

A WOMAN on a first date is maintaining a pretence that eating an entire pizza is far too much for a delicate girl like her. 

34-year-old Lucy Parry is hoping that dinner with Nathan Muir may lead to a long-term relationship which may even see her give birth to a live human, but fears that if she consumes a whole Rustica Meat Sofia feast it will never happen.

She said: “I laid the groundwork by seeming overwhelmed by the very menu. When he suggested pizza I feigned shock.

“I mumbled that I could never manage a whole one, implying I’d tried in the past and it had been an epic journey punctuated by sweats, exhaustion and other diners cheering me on.

“I asked the waiter how big the portions are, as if pizzas aren’t pizza-sized, and when it arrived gave a long, low overawed whistle. Then I took tiny bites and at one point clutched my side as though getting a stitch. I haven’t faked that since year nine PE.”

“Ridiculous considering I can polish off an entire bucket of chicken while still browsing Deliveroo, but necessary. I took the rest of the pizza home. I’m more excited about it than the sex.”

Muir said: “I finished  her pizza before I left, but I’m sure she won’t mind. She’s cute, but I worry she’s too frail and consumptive for me.”