Terrorism 'appealing to nerds'

NERDS are at serious risk of being recruited by terrorist groups, it has been claimed.

As three young social misfits were found guilty of plotting a massive terrorist atrocity, the government has promised it will reach out to vulnerable young nerds.

A government spokesman said: “We’re definitely seeing a connection between having terrorist aspirations and being a portly science obsessive who’s less than brilliant with girls.

“For them it’s less of an ideological thing, and more about finding some friends who don’t mind their poor social skills, questionable hygiene and rampant halitosis caused by eating only Doritos.

“We need to connect these at-risk young men with mainstream nerd culture. For example, they could be playing Warhammer fantasy games, watching Red Dwarf and collecting My Little Pony in a semi-ironic way.

“They’re all much better ways to spend your Sunday than planning a pathetically narcissistic atrocity.”

Imran Ali runs Nerd Unity, a non-denominational group that takes angry young nerds to comic conventions.

He said: “We are from different walks of life but we’re all really into Green Lantern and dressing up as robots.

“I used to be a radical. I’m still a passionate, angry man but more about things like the upcoming Superman film, which I just don’t see fitting into the DC Universe.”

Fellow nerd Julian Cook said: “I never had any Muslim friends before but these guys are ok, except when they kill my level 4 warrior with an amulet of death.

“It’s a nerd thing, you wouldn’t understand.”



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Liverpool's season written by Ken Loach

LIVERPOOL’S fairytale adventure in Europe was scripted by Ken Loach, the club has revealed.

After previous comebacks in Europe were deemed too fanciful, Loach was hired in August to bring a touch of Northern dourness to the club’s season.

The director has been advising manager Brendan Rodgers on how to temporarily raise the hopes of fans in a triumph of the human spirit, only to have them crushed again at home to Aston Villa.

Rodgers said: “I’m looking forward to many more ‘Loach nights’. It’s a very ‘real’ experience. Like burying a dead bird in a council house garden.

“Fans may have preferred it when Michael Bay directed things with his absurd plot twists and unrealistic performances. Djimi Traore as a Champion’s League winner? Why didn’t we just sign Ben Affleck?”

He added: “For all their money, Man United can only afford a bunch of Hollywood hacks who churn out predictable, happy endings. We, on the other hand, are exploring what it means to be alive.”

The club was impressed by the football scenes in Kes and felt Loach could add the same bleak humour, as well as having an understanding of young, incompetent footballers who do not want to be there.

However, Rodgers revealed that the controversial plot line to have Fabio Borini break every bone in his body, one match at a time, was the result of a brainstorming session with Hostel director Eli Roth.