Thanks, but we have enough money, say tube drivers

UNDERGROUND train drivers have rejected an offer of some extra money for no reason, because they are fine.

The amply-remunerated subterranean button-pushers had been offered an additional £100 for doing their jobs, in addition to monies already received for doing their jobs.

But they have urged the RMT to graciously reject the offer on the grounds that they have no need of additional funds.

Tube driver Stephen Malley said: “I think I would feel, well, awkward about having more money.

“It’s not like I want for anything. I’ve a nice house, a big telly, a Kindle loaded with all the latest train-related thrillers and I enjoy weekly trips to Pizza Express. Anything else would be gilding the lily.”

His colleague Tom Logan agreed: “One of the bonuses of a 37.5 hour working week spent sitting down whle pushing a button is that you get a bit of time to contemplate nature. I guess that’s why we tube drivers tend to be philosophical.

“It may be a cliché, but the best things in life really are free.”

He added: “If you stop and take a moment to admire the intricate petals of a rose blossom, you will realise that nature’s riches glitter more brightly than any man-made wealth.”

RMT general secretary Bob Crow said: “The sentiments of these drivers may be simple but they are true. Their behaviour has left me feeling both humbled and inspired.

“I realise now that just because we are technically ‘working class’ and own Chumbawamba CDs, it doesn’t mean we’re exempt from greed.”

He added: “Look at those swallows flying in formation. That really is exceptionally beautiful.”


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Cameron attacks Argentina's half-arsed colonialism

DAVID Cameron has offered to show Argentina how to swagger around in someone else’s country properly.

As Argentina requested negotiations on the sovereignty of the Falklands, the increasingly shiny-faced premier asked why they did not just turn up with half a dozen ships filled with musket-carrying soldiers and plans for a railway system.

Cameron told MPs: “Lord Palmerston once described diplomacy as ‘the homosexual foreplay of the irredeemably foreign’.

“Argentina’s attempt at building an empire is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. If Pitt the Younger had been this poofy Scotland would have been Swedish since the late 18th Century.”

Downing Street sources suggested Cameron is trying to get Argentina to fight back so he can have a bit of a war, arguing that ‘you don’t mess with the classics’.
Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “While the prime minister understands that killing terrified Argentinean conscripts has always made political sense, on a more fundamental level he’s yielding to his ancestral urge to growl at dagoes and sip gin on a veranda.

“It offends his sensibilities to see someone try to construct a reasonable argument about sovereignty when they could just shoot everyone.

“When he was speaking in the House I could see his hand reaching for an invisible swagger stick with which to clout the Argentine president.

“Brought a tear to my eye, so it did.”