The best Christmas gifts if you have an emotionally distant relationship with your father

NEVER felt loved or supported by your own father? Your Christmas gift shouldn’t reveal your true feelings, so here are some ideal for emotionally stunted dads:

Football merchandise

The football merchandise industry hinges on the fact that supporting the same team is often the only source of conversation between fathers and sons, and a missed penalty is the only time you’re allowed to shed a tear in one another’s company. 

Focus on the Premier League side you’ve never really supported but pretend to love because a passion for Arsenal is the only thing he’s passed down to you, besides male pattern baldness. Don’t dredge up footballing memories like him not coming to your under-10s five-a-side final despite promising he would. Uncle Terry needed to borrow a drill more than you needed love, apparently. 

Novelty T-shirts and mugs

Perhaps a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug will inspire him to do better, but there’s a chance he’ll take it literally due to being emotionally clueless. Try not to think too hard about whether he’d ever give you a ‘World’s Greatest Son’ or ‘Best Daughter on the Planet’ T-shirt. He wouldn’t. If you really want to say the quiet part out loud, get him a ‘You’ve Been Like a Father to Me’ Christmas card. 

Nazi stuff

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Dads love Nazis. Or, more specifically, they love imagining how they would have fared during wartime, perhaps fantasising about how they would have personally clung to the top of a steam train to Berlin to assassinate Hitler, or some other Alistair MacLean nonsense. 

Any books or DVDs about the war are sure to be a hit, the more derring-do the better. Never let on that you’re choking back tears because your father shows more interest in Rommel’s progress in North Africa than he ever has in yours. 

Fishing memorabilia

Dads are frequently into fishing, which appeals to their unused hunter-gatherer instincts. Or, in his case, his ‘Get away from the family and sit in silence for vast stretches of time’ instincts. Any ‘Would rather be fishing’ signs, keyrings or mugs will do nicely for Christmas. 

Alternatively if you’re feeling bitter and he doesn’t actually like fishing, get him one of the innumerable crap fishing gifts available, eg. a ‘The Rodfather’ T-shirt. It will prove that two can play the taking-no-interest-in-each-other’s-hobbies game, even if you’re crying inside.

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Twat colleague comes to pub

OFFICE workers heading out to get pissed after finishing for Christmas are distraught that a tedious prick of a colleague has decided to join them.

Staff delighted to be finishing at lunchtime have been left crushed after weapons-grade twat from accounts Julian Cook announced he would ‘tag along for the ride, guys’.

HR assistant Nikki Hollis said: “Seriously? F**k’s sake. It’s bad enough having to put up with Julian getting on everyone’s tits five days a week, but no, he has to ruin our Christmas piss-up as well.

“He only ever has one pint of bitter, which he pays for himself and never buys a round, so it’s not like he loves getting pissed. He’d better not start droning on about the Sealed Knot and cycling like he does in the office. 

“I’ve got a feeling he’s a born again Christian too because he keeps saying things like ‘Have you considered letting Jesus into your heart, Nikki?’ when you’re trying to eat a tuna sandwich.”

Cook said: “I don’t usually go to pubs. I find them too noisy and for some reason I don’t seem to make friends easily. But hey, ‘When in Rome’, as they say. 

“I’ll get us all singing Christmas songs, which will make them realise there’s more to life than just abusing your body getting drunk.

“Plus I’ll be able to make sure they appreciate the true meaning of Christmas, which is of course the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. They can join me in a prayer. That will be fun.”