The bigoted relative's guide to creating an awkward atmosphere this Christmas

ARE you taking your bigotry round to see relatives on Christmas Day? Here’s how to make the table bristle with tension as they wonder what you’ll say next: 

Set the tone from the start

From the moment you arrive in your family bubble put people on edge with worrying, but not overtly bigoted, comments like ‘That Dawn French, she was married to Lenny Henry. What was that about?’ It’s good to keep them on their toes.

Insist on watching something triggering

Your relatives will relax when you’re all sitting down to watch something heartwarming and uncontroversial like The Muppet Christmas Carol. At this point suddenly remark that 12 Years A Slave is on Sky Cinema later and watch their stress levels spike.

Be weird with any guest who is not ‘indigenous white British’

Maybe your nephew is dating a Polish lady, or similar? This is an excellent opportunity for offensively ignorant comments like ‘I suppose all your relatives are coming here?’

Keep it fresh

It’s likely many of your family have already winced through your past comments about gay people and Asians, or even said ‘Can you shut up please, Geoff?’, which isn’t very festive. Vary your routine with something like ‘And what’s all this gender identity nonsense? Non-binary my fat hairy arsehole.’

Ruin Christmas dinner

Christmas dinner is the perfect forum to discuss ‘Muslim grooming gangs’ and ‘these stabbings in London’. When someone argues back, act hurt and say ‘I was just discussing current affairs.’ Ideally the meal should end with your niece in tears and nobody enjoying their pudding.

Exploit the loyalty of your family

When your son-in-law finally snaps and says ‘Just f**k off Geoff. I’ll get you a cab’, rely on your daughter to say ‘We can’t kick Dad out’. Then you’re set to start the whole nightmare all over again when ITV shows Zulu on Boxing Day.

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Kid leaves out sherry and mince pies for Jeff Bezos

A CHILD has left out a plate of mince pies and a glass of sherry for the bringer of Christmas presents, Jeff Bezos.

Tom Booker, aged eight, excitedly placed the treats for the Amazon CEO by the fireplace to help him as he delivers gifts on a sleigh pulled by drones.

Booker said: “The elves in the Amazon fulfilment centres have been working non-stop to sort presents, often skipping toilet breaks, so this is my way of saying thank you.

“When I visited him at Jeff’s grotto he said I’d get everything on my wishlist if I’m a good little boy and don’t order a single thing from eBay. So hopefully these offerings will seal the deal.

“A lot of people wonder how Jeff Bezos can fly around the world in a single night and offer prices that undercut high street retailers but the answer’s really straightforward: he’s magic.”

Creeping downstairs next morning to discover mince pie crumbs, an empty sherry glass and a ‘Sorry we missed you’ card placed under the Christmas tree, a bleary-eyed Booker said: “He’s been!”