CHRISTIAN bakers are bravely holding out against making cakes for gay people. As the ECHR drops a case against two of them, godly baker Martin Bishop explains how to keep your cakes straight.
Subvert the gay message
If you receive an order for a cake saying ‘Support gay marriage’, change it to ‘Be a heterosexual man and marry a lady’. Hey presto, the gays expecting a gay cake will be exposed to a straight message, become normal and stop hanging round public toilets.
Have the cake exorcised
If you’ve got a gay cake on your premises, play it safe and get a priest to cast out demons from it. Then burn it at the stake while reciting the Lord’s Prayer. The last thing you want is a possessed Victoria sponge making your customers commit depraved acts I cannot bring myself to repeat here.
Make your cakes aggressively straight
To deter mincing homosexuals, decorate cakes with robustly heterosexual icing sugar images: a man buying a Black & Decker Workmate in B&Q, or a woman doing housework to please her husband. Pride flags and rainbows are out of the question, along with fairies, obviously.
Challenge gay cakes in the courts
People might claim you should just get on with making a bloody cake, because that’s your job and it’s a totally trivial issue anyway. No. You should spend years fighting requests for gay-themed cakes in the courts. What’s the point of a legal system if it won’t address the sexual orientation of a lemon drizzle cake?
Pray for gay cakes
God does not hate the cake, just its lifestyle choices. Pray for the cake to repent, so that when it has been cut up into slices and eaten its immortal soul will still get into cake Heaven.
Use conversion therapy
Conversion therapy will stop your cake having unnatural urges. Ask the cake if it really wants to be gay, or is it just doing it because of peer pressure? It may be a traumatic process for the cake, but it will thank you later when it realises it doesn’t have to wear an earring and listen to Bronski Beat.