Calling your teacher 'mum': Embarrassing moments you still relive every single week

SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you’ll be made to relive.

Losing your virginity

Expectations weren’t high, but it may have descended into a panicked farce of condoms falling off and impotence. Despite it being many years and relationships ago, the memory will replay itself with the slightest trigger, eg. dunking a biscuit in your tea and it going floppy.

Vomiting in your friend’s parents’ car

A lift from your mate’s dad after underage beers resulted in you launching a volcano of vomit into the footwell. Now your mate always treats you to a full recap of how you spewed in the Volvo and begged ‘Please don’t tell my mum’. Your mate’s dad Lionel doesn’t laugh it off these days either, he still seems pretty f**ked off 25 years later.

Calling your teacher ‘mum’

The world can be split into two camps – people who have grown into normal members of society, and losers who did this. As a small child you accidentally called Mrs Lewis ‘Mum’, causing uproar in the classroom. You might’ve been cool with your Power Rangers lunch box but no longer. Goodbye innocence and welcome to the real world. It’s cruel as f**k.

Forgetting your boss’s name

You know this. You really do. They interviewed you. You see them every day. But when someone asks for an introduction OH GOD YOU’VE DRAWN A COMPLETE F**KING BLANK ON THEIR NAME. Is it Keith? Jeremy? Mark? The Rock? Scooby? Bang goes your career. You’ll never, ever live this down, even if the universe implodes leaving nothing but an infinite, timeless void.

Being rejected by someone way out of your league

Head-over-heels mutual true love only happens in movies. Your love life has been a series of compromises and misfires, including someone you adored saying a polite ‘Thanks, but no thanks’. They could at least have laughed as if it was a totally ridiculous suggestion* because then you could just hate them.

*It probably was.

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Letting Djokovic stay could ruin our delicate ecosystem of twats, says Australia

ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.

The world’s current number one twat Djokovic faces deportation because he poses a threat to the country’s indigenous racists, macho lager drinkers and prime minister Scott Morrison.

Border security officer Ryan Whittaker said: “Australia is home to unique species of twat who speak in bullshit slang used nowhere else in the world. But if we let in an even more virulent twat like Novak Djokovic they risk extinction.

“That’s why our border checks are so famously strict. If just one hot-tempered Serbian tennis player slips through then the harmony of Vegemite obsessives and surfer dickheads will be upset. And once they’re gone they’re not coming back.

“Even notoriously twatty animals like the box jellyfish and the funnel-web spider would voluntarily shrivel up and die. They know they don’t stand a chance against a man who struck a ball at a female line judge.

“Once Djokovics start breeding in large numbers, they could displace our most iconic twats, from surprisingly vicious koalas to our PM Scott Morrison, who’s still dragging his feet on climate change and goes on holiday when half the country’s on fire.”

Indigenous Australian Mary Fisher said: “God, yeah, it would be awful if twats came to this beautiful country and ruined it.”