THE UK’s farmers are up in arms at government plans to continue handing them large subsidies but to grow slightly different things.
The new post-Brexit agricultural policy means farmers will be paid by taxpayers to grow trees and provide habitats for wildlife instead of being paid by the EU to keep fields empty, and predictably they are losing their shit.
Farmer Tom Booker of Shropshire said: “My family’s been reaping traditional EU subsidies for generations. And now we’re expected to change all that just because we voted for Brexit?
“Encouraging water voles and sand lizards just to prevent environmental collapse and absorb carbon? Not on my watch. If I see a kingfisher I give it both barrels. They’re just vermin.
“Thinking we’re selfless servants of the land, and turning it into some tree-canopied arcadia such as existed before the advent of industrialised farming, just shows these politicians don’t understand the ways of the countryside.
“Our manure-spreaders are fully loaded with liquid faeces, we’ve filled up on red diesel and we’re off to Westminster again, as is traditional.”
Environment secretary George Eustice said: “The agricultural role of the British government is to funnel money to landowners, and I promise you that will not change.”