A MAN has won a bravery award for talking down a suicide bomber in a hospital. But inveterate cowards should be prepared for such situations too. Here’s what to do.
A street robbery
Being robbed of your phone or wallet is traumatic for the victim but rarely fatal, so busy yourself dialling 999 instead of trying to intervene. You’re such a wimp you’d probably just say something embarrassing like ‘Excuse me, could you stop doing that, if that’s okay with you?’. And probably get mugged as well.
Someone falling into a river
If someone is drowning make a big show of looking around frantically for a buoyancy aid rather than jumping in. With luck they’ll be carried away by the current and become someone else’s problem. It’s probably their own fault anyway. They wouldn’t be drowning in the first place if they’d got a swimming survival badge at school. You did. You got gold.
Terrorist attack
Unfortunately inconsiderate bastards often take on terrorists with whatever weapons are to hand, putting you under pressure to do likewise. But you’re going to be busy running away. Stick with your plan and justify your cowardice by saying: ‘If I’d battered a terrorist it’d be me going to prison, with British justice these days!’ Enough idiots read the Mail and Express for you to get away with this.
Suspicious bag
If you see an unattended bag, act quickly and start rationalising why you don’t need to do anything. If it’s a rucksack or sports bag it probably belongs to those people over there, although they should stand closer to it to avoid putting you in an awkward situation. If it’s some sort of shopping bag, investigating would look as if you’re trying to steal someone’s purchases. Now walk away briskly, hoping you don’t hear a massive explosion behind you.
Unexploded WWII bomb
This means evacuating the area immediately, so don’t waste precious seconds informing your neighbours. Many Britons are obsessed with icky WWII nostalgia like The D-Day Darlings, so being blown up by a 500lb bomb from a Heinkel is probably how they’d like to go.
Someone falling through ice
To be honest, falling in yourself and getting trapped under the ice like you’ve seen in films is so nightmarish it’s a valid reason not to help. If other people manage to pull the victim out they still might die from hypothermia, so you know who the real hero is here? The person who popped into Costa and got them a nice hot caramel latte, ie. you. Obviously you got one for yourself.
People trapped in a burning car
You’d prefer it if professional fire officers dealt with this, but you really don’t want the victims to die horribly. Deep down you know you can’t just stand by, and in a moment of moral clarity you realise what you must do: take on a managerial role. As people unfairly blessed with more courage than you haul the victims from the burning wreck, stand a good 30m away helpfully shouting: ‘Watch out, it’s hot!’
