The dad's guide to being a cold weather action hero

IF you’re a dad with two kids and a semi there aren’t many chances to pretend you’re an action hero – but the cold weather changes all that! Here’s what to do.

Pretend your house is a fighter jet

Go round the house checking things: thermostat, radiators, torch. After each item is found to be fine say ‘Check!’ in an authoritative way. In your mind you are now a top gun pilot preparing for takeoff.  

‘Battle’ with the snow

In the UK you’re probably not going to be trapped by 10 feet of snow, but you can dream. You can still enjoy the drama by getting a shovel ready and ‘monitoring the situation’, ie. looking out of the bedroom window with a grave Clint Eastwood expression as a pathetic 1cm of snow falls.

Get out the snow chains

Snow chains will transform a boring journey to work into a James Bond arctic chase with baddies on snowmobiles. Although it’s more likely to be the police wanting to know why the fuck you’re damaging the road and your tyres when there’s hardly any snow.

Carry a rope at all times

People are always falling into frozen ponds and you could be the hero to rescue them. This is also an opportunity to introduce a love interest to your fantasies. Who knows, those cries for help could be coming from gorgeous Countdown host Rachel Riley.

Protect your children from the weather

Make sure your kids’ phones are charged and sternly instruct them to call you “at the first sign of trouble”. This is like being Liam Neeson in Taken. Just resist the temptation to do the “I have a very particular set of skills” speech or you will look a bit mental.

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Man watching BBC news as 'pure escapism' from Brexit

A MAN watches BBC news because it presents a calming, stress-free version of the actual ongoing catastrophe of Brexit.

Tom Logan tunes into BBC News 24 to bathe in the pretence that everything is just a distant Westminster stand-off that will probably be resolved when everyone sees sense.

Logan said: “If I read The Guardian or listen to informed podcasts I might be reduced to a state of utter terror about the terminally cack-handed disaster heading our way.

“I’d be petrified about medicine shortages, gridlocks and how unconcerned the government is about reducing my children to the status of 19th century urchins purely to preserve party unity.

“I love BBC news because there’s no hint of that in the tone of their reports. Everything’s just a big political wrangle that’ll be sorted out eventually, like Amazon sending you a damaged telly.

“They even have a wry chuckle at the personal ding-dongs and larger-than-life characters in parliament. It’s a massive relief to know I shouldn’t take Brexit too seriously.

“In the run-up to a nuclear war it’ll be the BBC I watch exclusively. I’ll be blown to smithereens and never know how or why it happened. My last memory will be of Fiona Bruce smiling at me.”