The French, the Belgians and other nations you're allowed to mock

TAKING the piss out of other countries is generally seen as xenophobic, but sometimes it’s fair enough. Like in these cases:

The French

France is Britain’s oldest enemy, so you’re basically honouring your ancestors who died at Agincourt by referring to them as ‘garlic-chewing, bicycle-riding frogs’. They make it so easy to hate them, with their excessive bureaucracy, hostility to tourists and unwillingness to speak English like decent folk. Anyway, they deserve our scorn to make up for the fact that we’re jealous they live in a permissive and adult society which encourages them to have ecstatic sexual adventures with their spouse, their spouse’s lover and his friend who’s in town for the weekend.

The Belgians

A country whose culture basically boils down to waffles, The Smurfs and Plastic Bertrand, there is little point to Belgium, aside from as a station where the Eurostar pauses on its way to more interesting places. Plus, they have a section of their population genuinely called the Walloons and expect us not to laugh about it.

The Italians

Brits love mocking Germany for losing a war, but the Italians have somehow managed to make us forget the fact that they were also the baddies in that conflict, possibly because they introduced us to pizza. No, the reason Italians get ridiculed as being disorganised and crap at driving is down to simple jealousy: they are all effortlessly very cool and sexy, something no British person will ever be.

The Dutch

This is primarily down to the accent. While there has never yet been a Dutch person who didn’t speak perfect English – as many an 18-year-old Brit eager to lose his virginity in Amsterdam has gleefully discovered – we can still mock. Also, they deserve extra piss-taking for filling their capital city with drugs and sex workers, only to moan that too many British tourists are coming over for drugs and sex workers. Have they met anyone from Britain? That is catnip for our famously immature and repressed population.

The Welsh

The prospect of Scotland leaving the UK has some basis in reality, but the idea of the Welsh getting adorably nationalistic and abandoning the union comes across like a five-year-old who announces they’re leaving home armed only with a pairs of socks and a packet of orange Club biscuits. Off, are you? Good luck, see you back at teatime. The jokes about sheep shagging are admittedly tired, but this is a nation so starved of genuinely attractive people that they still consider Tom Jones, a mahogany wardrobe turned sentient, as a sex symbol. Sorry, but they deserve derision.

The Paraguayans

Well, when was the last time you heard anything about Paraguay? You could tell everyone they were Satanists sacrificing British visitors and people would believe you, having never heard anything of the real habits of the Paraguayans. In fact, let’s say that’s the truth. F**k those tourist-slaying Paraguayans. They’ll probably be happy if we stay away too, as nobody likes a British holidaymaker, and rightly so.

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'My new portrait reflects my desire to, as Slayer sang, Reign In Blood' says Charles

THE King has unveiled a new portrait inspired by Slayer’s 1986 album Reign In Blood, which he says ‘is the guiding light of my rule’.

The portrait, painted by Jonathan Yeo while continually blasting the ten-track thrash metal classic, shows King Charles III almost enveloped in crimson from the burning of civilisation and a rising tide of gore that drowns the world, and smiling.

His Royal Highness said: “I was no more than an impressionable young man of 38 when Slayer released this game-changing set, and it made a lifelong impression.

“From the moment I heard Raining Blood – ‘raining blood from a lacerated sky, bleeding its horror, creating my structure, now I shall reign in blood’ – I knew. That was me. That would be my model for my time on the throne.

“A comment on climate change? Yes, you can believe that if you like. Just know that the hour of reprisal is here and your time slips away. You noticed I was in military uniform? That’s more than just symbolic.

“The skies will soon be red and you’ll recognise this image as prefiguring the end times to come. But look at my avuncular face and know mine is an apocalypse delivered in kindness.”

He added: “I also like Mandatory Suicide. That’s a banger of a track.”