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The gammon's guide to coping with gender-neutral toilets

IS it possible to have a wee in a gender-neutral toilet without suddenly turning into a lady or getting accused of being a pervert? Surprisingly, yes. Here’s how.

Don’t freak out

If you’ve arrived at the toilets and can’t see a door with just a stick man or woman on it, don’t panic. Though everything you have read online and in the papers suggests that the world as you know it is about to end, you’re going to be fine. Take a deep breath and push the door open.

Don’t expect to see genitals everywhere

The tenor of the debate around gender-neutral toilets may have led you to believe they’re full of people waving their genitals around and pissing with gay abandon in full view of each other. This is not accurate, so do not attempt it yourself or you will be arrested. Just wait in line if necessary, keeping those genitals to yourself, remember?

Don’t stare at the groins of other people in the queue

While queueing to use a cubicle, don’t look at other people’s groins to attempt to work out what they’ve got in their pants and whether it matches the gender you perceive them to be. Rest assured they are not doing the same to you. No one gives a second thought to your bits. Not even your partner.

Don’t worry that you might suddenly ‘turn transgender’

As a Daily Mail reader, you believe that the cultural Marxist transgender lobby is desperate to recruit you through nefarious means, and you’re worried that stepping into a gender-neutral toilet is the beginning of your sinister journey into being forced to identify as a lady or a cat or a washing machine. But don’t fret, all it means is you have to piss in a private cubicle rather than a stinking urinal surrounded by other blokes.

Don’t feel too annoyed that it was an entirely benign experience

You hoped the toilet would be a depraved non-binary hellhole you could write a horrified Facebook post about. However, it was actually quite a clean and pleasant experience and your wife liked it as the queue was much shorter than she’s used to in a ladies-only loo. Don’t worry: the Telegraph will find you something else to be furious about tomorrow, maybe a fabricated tale of a teenage girl who identifies as a 25-piece socket set.

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Why smaller children make good economic sense for Britain. By a Tory MP

BRITISH children under five are shorter than their European counterparts, according to a survey. And this possible effect of malnutrition is excellent news for Britain, writes Tory MP Norman Steele. 

Smaller children can perform delicate tasks in factories with their little fingers

We’ve all seen the inspiring story of manufacturing efficiency Schindler’s List. Just think – undersized six or seven-year-olds could be put to work performing intricate industrial tasks today’s automated machinery is still unable to. This would not only keep our young midgets off the streets but free up robots to paint, write poetry and so forth.

Smaller children eat less, so school dinners could be halved

Britain’s feral, obese, inner-city children, addicted to burgers, pizza and fried chicken, are eating the nation out of house and home. Halve them in size and you halve the nation’s food budget, leaving more food to strengthen Britain’s elite entrepreneurs, wealth creators and hedge fund managers – who could be boosted to heights of nine feet tall!

Smaller children find it harder to escape from borstal, later prison

Think of the expense to the taxpayer of having to build walls ten or 15 feet tall in our penal institutions. With smaller children, later to be smaller adults, you could build walls about six feet high and they’d be jumping up and down unable to scale them. The bricks, mortar and cement saved could then be bought up by property developers who wish to bulldoze pubs and libraries in East London to make way for new luxury apartments for Made in Chelsea stars, City executives and Russian kleptocrats.

When they’re adults, they could live in Wendy houses

Smaller Britons could solve the current housing crisis at a stroke. The smallest of them could live in cheaply manufactured toy houses perfectly adequate for their tiny frames. Of course, in time the market would adjust and a Wendy house in Croydon, currently priced at £120, would be worth £450,000. Get in now investors, is my advice!

Smaller British children will be a curiosity for foreign tourists

Much as pygmy tribes are currently gawped at by adventurous world travellers, wealthy European tourists of normal height will flock to Britain to look at our emergent nation of tinies. Britain will become the Lilliput of the 21st century. And for the those who were enchanted by Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I see no harm in dyeing some of them orange so that foreign visitors can take home their very own Oompa Loompa.

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