The Guardian reader's guide to pretending you're not interested in the royal wedding

ARE you a Guardian reader who’s secretly captivated by Harry and Meghan’s wedding? Here’s how to enjoy every moment while pretending not to.

Say you prefer the Guardian’s famously minimal coverage of royal weddings, then sneakily read every word of the Daily Mail’s obsessive drivel, such as who the fuck Lady Extrusia Mitford-Gynt is.

If you’re dying to watch it on TV, claim you want to see “how these upper-class parasites are wasting taxpayers’ money”. Then get the kettle on and break out the Mr Kiplings.

Alternatively, say your kids should watch it because it’s a historical event. Once they’ve quickly lost interest in some toffs and a bunch of toy soldiers poncing around, ‘forget’ to turn the telly off for the rest of the day.

While watching the wedding it’s possible you’ll get so into the magnificent pageantry you’ll forget to criticise it. Set your mobile alarm to vibrate at 10-minute intervals to remind you to say things like, “Of course, 400 years ago their ancestors would have been oppressing our ancestors.”

If you get carried away and start waving a little Union Jack, make up a convoluted argument about left-wing patriotism, claiming you are celebrating “the land of Orwell, Aneurin Bevan and Rock Against Racism”.

Should anyone notice you gazing adoringly at hunky Harry or foxy Meghan, piously say, “I’m just so sad these young people have to spend their lives in the media goldfish bowl.”

If you get overwhelmed by the occasion and shed a tear, say you are weeping for the Kenyan victims of British imperialism.

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Get shitfaced responsibly this weekend, says government

THE government has put out the confusing message that Britons should drink extremely heavily this weekend but in a sensible way.

With pub opening hours extended to celebrate the royal wedding and FA Cup final, Britons have effectively been told it is their national duty to get wankered.

A Home Office spokesman said: “For years government policy has been to make people feel like raging alcoholics if they need more than a small glass of wine to cope with the tedium of being alive.

“However, this weekend we are encouraging everyone to celebrate in the time-honoured tradition of the UK, which is to get so rat-arsed you mistake the fridge for the toilet and take a piss in it.

“Hopefully just a piss.

“Weddings and football matches are both excellent opportunities for alcohol abuse so we’re adding extra hours of pub time so you can have a fight or ill-advised shag in a chaotic drunken haze.

“But you have to do it in a ‘Drinkaware’ way, obviously.”