ARE you a Guardian reader who’s secretly captivated by Harry and Meghan’s wedding? Here’s how to enjoy every moment while pretending not to.
Say you prefer the Guardian’s famously minimal coverage of royal weddings, then sneakily read every word of the Daily Mail’s obsessive drivel, such as who the fuck Lady Extrusia Mitford-Gynt is.
If you’re dying to watch it on TV, claim you want to see “how these upper-class parasites are wasting taxpayers’ money”. Then get the kettle on and break out the Mr Kiplings.
Alternatively, say your kids should watch it because it’s a historical event. Once they’ve quickly lost interest in some toffs and a bunch of toy soldiers poncing around, ‘forget’ to turn the telly off for the rest of the day.
While watching the wedding it’s possible you’ll get so into the magnificent pageantry you’ll forget to criticise it. Set your mobile alarm to vibrate at 10-minute intervals to remind you to say things like, “Of course, 400 years ago their ancestors would have been oppressing our ancestors.”
If you get carried away and start waving a little Union Jack, make up a convoluted argument about left-wing patriotism, claiming you are celebrating “the land of Orwell, Aneurin Bevan and Rock Against Racism”.
Should anyone notice you gazing adoringly at hunky Harry or foxy Meghan, piously say, “I’m just so sad these young people have to spend their lives in the media goldfish bowl.”
If you get overwhelmed by the occasion and shed a tear, say you are weeping for the Kenyan victims of British imperialism.