Man into chivalry reminded he's not a f**king knight

A MAN who insists on opening doors and pulling out chairs for ‘ladies’ is not a Knight of the Round Table and actually a bit creepy.

Office manager Martin Bishop, 42, makes a massive fuss about things like helping women with their coats, which quickly gets annoying and is weirdly controlling.

Helen Archer, who went on a date with Bishop, said: “Being chivalrous sounds nice but Martin just creeped me out. I expected him to go down on one knee to pass me a menu.

“He also did that mental thing of standing up every time I left the table, as if we were in King Arthur’s banqueting hall, not Nando’s in Stevenage.

“Martin says it’s a shame people aren’t chivalrous these days, but then he tried to order my dinner for me. I’m pretty sure Lady Guinevere was perfectly capable of ordering some chicken wings.

“The evening went really badly then he insisted on paying the bill. When I said I wanted to pay half he looked annoyed and asked if I was ‘one of those bloody feminists’.

“There’s not going to be a second date, however chivalrous Martin may be.”

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Britain to stay in customs union until moon colony up and running

THE UK will remain in a customs union with the EU for the short period of time it takes to get a fully-functioning moon base established.

With the government totally unable to decide how to proceed with Brexit, building a vast, self-sufficient colony on the moon is seen as the most realistic way forward.

Foreign secretary Boris Johnson said: “Finally we’ve got a firm deadline for departing the EU and beginning our trade deals with other nations, and indeed planets.

“Moonbase Churchill, which will proudly fly the Union Jack and house millions of our citizens, should be up and running by 2025 at the latest. I mean, we’re British.

“Once we’re getting all our resources – medicines, radioactive material, moon-milk – from our self-supporting colony we can cut all ties with Europe and frankly forget they even exist.

“We won’t need a hard border in Northern Ireland either, because we’ll be able to keep our eyes on every inch of it. From the moon.”

EU lead negotiator Michel Barnier said: “Excuse me while I bang my head repeatedly on this table, again.”