The highlights of the next decade, in advance

THE cultural and political highlights of the next ten years have been announced in advance to avoid anyone missing them. Here they are: 

Qatar World Cup, Nov-Dec 2022

The international tournament will see half of the first round games cancelled because of the desert heat, three-quarters of the next round and every game from the quarter-finals onward played using virtual simulations. America wins.

The last Marvel film, June 2023

Following the massive, consecutive box office failures of the previous five Marvel movies and the bankrupting of Disney, the final film in the franchise is produced on a budget of £400,000 and feature all previous stars going on a coach holiday to Filey. Hilarity ensues.

UK elections, December 2024

Boris Johnson swept to a Christmas landslide by a nation grateful for the incredible success of Brexit which has made each and every citizen millionaires wearing top hats and monocles, quaffing champagne.

Greta Thunburg wins eight Grammys, February 2026

Having pivoted from climate concern to adult-oriented pop, Greta Thunburg sweeps the board at the Grammys with album Hot For You. A drunk Taylor Swift grabs the microphone, swears and soils herself at the ceremony.

Google announces it’s in charge now, June 2027

Information giant Google announces, in personal emails to everybody, that it knows all your secrets and it is now your boss. Everyone quietly begins doing as they’re told while never mentioning it to anybody else.

Second Civil War begins in US, December 2029

President-for-Life Donald Trump drowns in submerged Mar-a-Lago, Florida, still denying climate change exists. Rest of country too busy shooting each other to notice.

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Five non-politicians to lead Labour out of crisis

THE NEW Labour leader has to be tough, uncompromising, charismatic and a complete change of direction. Think The Rock. Or any of these: 

Rey Skywalker

An unemployed Jedi with a strong CV of laying waste to her enemies would be popular with traditional Labour voters, and Tories would like her because she’s actually posh. Fictional and could never be elected, so the continuity Corbyn candidate.

A woman

The main idea behind changing the look and direction of the Labour leadership is that it has to be a woman. Doesn’t really matter which one. They’re all roughly the same.

Tony Blair

Though Blair appears to have been teetering on the brink of genuine insanity for the best part of two decades, he’s still the most successful Labour politician ever and perhaps the only person to match Boris Johnson’s megalomania. And still seven years younger than bloody Corbyn.

Prince Harry

He was in the Army, he likes the environment and his wife’s hotter than Trump’s tart. He’d relish having something to do and annoy his older brother at the same time.

30 rats in a sack  

Far better than Corbyn and quite a lot more palatable to the electorate than Rebecca Long-Bailey.