Friday, 30th October 2020

Northern Tory voter can't wait for Middlesbrough to be like Hampstead

A NORTHERNER who voted Conservative is looking forward to his hometown of Middlesbrough becoming affluent, leafy and packed with intellectuals. 

Martin Bishop believes Boris Johnson’s promise to ‘repay the trust’ of Northern voters means the town will soon be a wealthy London suburb favoured by the rich and famous.

The 42-year-old said: “I was sick of Middlesbrough always being on those ‘worst places to live in Britain’ lists, so I voted Brexit then Tory.

“Boris has promised loads of new spending so I expect all the boarded-up terraced houses on my street will be replaced by tasteful mansions like the one Jonathan Ross lives in.

“Within 12 months we’ll be a cultural hub for Britain’s artistic elite. I’ll probably become an acclaimed playwright like Sir David Hare. That’s got to pay better than collecting trolleys at Aldi.

“It’ll be great to have neighbours like Tom Conti, Jamie Oliver and Ridley Scott waving hello as I take my morning constitutional. I bet their kids won’t set fire to my wheelie bin.”

Denys Finch Hatton, the Conservative MP for Middlesbrough South, said: “I can absolutely confirm that the investment will take place and you are not gullible Northern dunces who could be outsmarted by a ferret.”