Does sleeping count as not drinking? asks Britain

BRITAIN would like to know if being fast asleep counts as time off the drink.

As experts once again made it their business to recommend two alcohol free days a week, Britain reckoned it would probably be okay to do it on a pro-rata basis.

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: “I sleep for about eight hours a night, I spend 10 minutes per day in the shower, then there’s the bus to work and I generally stay off the sherbert until about 12-ish.

“So five 10s are 50 plus two and a half hours plus 20 hours and then seven nights a week at eight hours a night makes, let’s see – sorry, I’m a bit hungover – anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s more than 48 so that’s me government approved.”

Roy Hobbs, from Darlington, said: “I don’t drink on Mondays. Monday is Skunk Day. So I suppose I could just make Tuesday Skunk Day as well. Splendid. Now the experts will think I’m great.”

Helen Archer, from Hatfield, added: “I do drink at my desk in the afternoons, but it’s just a couple of mugs of homemade Drambuie. It’s not as if it’s one of those huge, incredibly dangerous glasses of white wine that one hears so much about these days.

“And anyway, I’m always asleep somewhere by half-eight.”

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Queen sells advertising space on the side of swans

THE Queen is to boost royal revenues by selling advertising space on the side of swans.

The initiative will provide an additional funds for the Mountbatten-Windsor estate, which will help pay for repairs to the palace and any unspecified upcoming legal fees.

Officials confirmed swans in areas of high foot traffic will command the highest rates, while those in smaller, regional lakes and ponds will attract a lower price-per-inch.

A Palace spokesman said “The UK’s swans are a vastly under-utilised asset. With each adult coming in at an average 150cm the potential for eye-catching advertising is huge.

“We have already had interest from Ladbrokes, Herbalife, TK Maxx and a company that makes orthopaedic shoes.”