The killjoy realist's guide to why the energy bill drop will make f**k all difference

THRILLED at the idea of energy bills tumbling by the unimaginable sum of £426 a year? Calm down. Miserable realist Martin Bishop explains why it will change nothing.

Government subsidies are ending

So what if the average household energy bill will come to £2,074? That’s more or less what it costs at the minute thanks to government handouts. Ofgem’s new price cap only saves our lords and masters a few quid, which they’ll duly spunk up the wall on a new yacht or a speeding fine. You’ll have to keep paying the same as the last couple of years. Because you’re poor and that’s your fault, like in Victorian times.

Wages are still stagnant

Falling bills would only be noticeable if your pay was in line with inflation, but you haven’t had a raise since Gordon Brown was in power. You could always grow a pair and ask your boss for a pay rise, but that might piss them off and make them fire you, then you’d be even worse off. Best to keep your head down and be grateful that energy bills haven’t tripled overnight. Although they could if energy companies get tired of only making big profits instead of mental ones.

Interest rates are about to spike

And it’s not only homeowners who will be f**ked, renters are in the firing line too. Experts are calling the oncoming rise a ‘huge income shock’, which is boffin-speak for ‘stockpile tinned food now because we’re hurtling toward dystopia’. Your eye-watering energy meter readings will seem like a rosy memory when you’re fighting off other hobos trying to steal your place by the burning oil drum.

Food isn’t getting much cheaper

All the money you won’t be saving on energy will be stretched even further by food inflation. Supermarkets are still jacking up their prices, and unless deflation comes along then the weekly big shop will continue to push you to the brink of bankruptcy. You could always save money by foraging for rats and living off their cold, tough flesh, but you’re too much of a fussy eater to do that. It would be particularly bad for vegans.

Any savings will be absorbed by something else

If you somehow end up with a few extra pounds in your pocket, something will undoubtedly come along and pinch them. Your car will fail its MOT. You’ll need to get a filling replaced. Your partner will demand to go on an expensive holiday. You will never get ahead financially because capitalism doesn’t work like that. Energy companies will somehow continue to rake in record profits though. They must just be really good at economising and managing their money. Good for them.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

If only there were a Tina Turner song we could use as a tribute headline

YESTERDAY the world lost the iconic performer Tina Turner. But, tragically, she has left no song whose title can be used as a headline in tribute to her.

Despite a career lasting decades, both with her abusive husband Ike and as a solo performer, Tina recorded no tracks with titles that effortlessly encapsulate her stellar career.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? Confusing. Private Dancer? You have to know the song really. We Don’t Need Another Hero? Not really appropriate in the circumstances.

Even going back to her hits of the 1960s, Nutbush City Limits is a fantastic track but meaningless slapped across the front page of a national newspaper. Steamy Windows? Goldeneye? Proud Mary? None really says what the public feels.

So we are forced to bid farewell to a musical colossus with headlines like ‘Tina was the greatest’ and ’Goodbye to the Queen of rock‘n’roll’, which, while sincere and heartfelt, do not sum her up in a neat three words.

No, for all her achievements, having a worldwide hit signature song that provides a pithy and fitting capstone for her career was something with which Tina Turner, 1939-2023, was simply not blessed.