The man's guide to celebrating International Women's Day

WANT to celebrate International Women’s Day but what do women even think’s so good about them anyway? Sensible, objective man James Bates explains: 

Make it all about you

International Women’s Day recognises the achievements of women. And that’s lovely. But representation matters, and the lack of male voices is discrimination against the bloke. Speak up about this injustice. Ladies love a fella who fights for what’s right.

Buy them a little something

Big days like this always come with the expectation of gifts. A bottle of perfume or a trip to the spa should keep the little woman happy for a few hours. At the very least slip them a fiver so they can buy themselves make-up. That’ll stop all this nonsense about the gender wage gap.

Mansplain feminism

Seeing as all things women are in the news today, step in with your explanation of feminism. Most women don’t know it was invented in 1970 by Germaine Greer, who’s been cancelled now so logically there is no feminism. But apparently we’re in its fourth wave? I mean how many waves do you need?

Think of all the women who have inspired you

The world is full of great women. Nikki who I worked with was brilliant and we were an amazing team, until I got promoted because I got credit for all her work and she got made redundant. Today I’ll be taking a few minutes to think about her. Hope she learned to speak out and she’s girlbossing it up somewhere.

Nod and smile

Done all of the above? If so you’ve probably learnt that us blokes can’t seem to do anything right, least of all on International Women’s Day. Your best bet is to remain silent, look agreeable and run out the clock. Before long it’ll be tomorrow, and you’ll go back to passively benefiting from living in a patriarchal society.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Low UK productivity linked to Fridays, weather, colleagues, short days, long days, mood, pay, surroundings and everything f**king else

BRITISH workers have the lowest productivity in the G7 because of literally every crappy little aspect of their lives, they have explained. 

Research has found the productivity crisis is because of the internet, being a bit tired, being a bit hungover, too many emails, long hours, easing into Monday, hunger, obesity, Wordle and Lent.

Office manager Tom Logan said: “It’s not one thing. It’s down to short days, long days, commuting, working from home, having to leave early to post a parcel, your tooth hurting a bit, that Friday feeling and being bored shitless.

“Then there’s having to fill in a weekly dashboard about last week’s work, the two-day offsite strategy meeting to discuss higher productivity, having to do your expenses, and dealing with someone from Finance about budgets. Technically work. Produces f**k-all.

“And I think we should also factor in it taking ages to get a coffee, doing a fasting diet, if it’s cold, being upset about the news, if things are too similar or too different to normal, and the water in the water cooler tasting funny.

“And of course there’s being annoyed with Mark from Compliance, it getting dark too early in winter or the sun streaming in summer, needing to buy Dua Lipa tickets, the kids’ goldfish looking a bit peaky, Christmas, the Grand National sweepstake, and it being almost 3pm so you might as well leave it until tomorrow.”

Productivity expert Dr Helen Archer said: “To be honest I did a bit of a half-arsed job on the research. I wasn’t really feeling it that month.”