CHICKEN? Chicken for me? No chicken at all? Shame. Anyway, big beds are for dogs and humans, speaking as a dog. Let me in because:
Beds are nice and warm. You like to be nice and warm. I burn with the heat of a thousand fires. Dogs have no sweat glands. I will cover you with perspiration so you smell more like you, which makes you powerful.
I enjoy the game we play. Where a human snores then I snore twice as loud. I am excellent at this game. I like to make loud noises all the time to scare rivals. Tonight I am trying out sleep-barking.
I could be a service dog. At any moment in bed you could be dying. But I make sure you are not. By standing on your kidneys when you least expect it. Loud swearing means you are alive. You are welcome.
If stomp does not work. I unleash my majestic scent by your head and on your bedclothes. It will revive you. Swearing is even louder. You are even more alive.
I will improve the boring white bedsheets with it. I will paint it. With the garden. And my biscuit crumbs. Also the suspicious liquids my body produces. They come in a range of colours. To the trained nose it is beautiful.
You love me. I love you. We both love you patting me on my soft head. I think you will also love waking up at 5am because my soft head is staring at you in the dark. Which brings me to my next article, ‘why dogs should be walked at 5am’.