The man's guide to surviving eye contact with a breastfeeding woman

ACCIDENTALLY locked eyes with a woman with her boob out and don’t know what to do? Follow this guide:


There you are, gazing dumbly around while waiting to order a flat white, when you make eye contact with a breastfeeding woman. Once you register what is happening, you immediately go bright red like an 80s teenager caught staring at a top shelf magazine, which you know is very much the wrong response, so you panic even more and go even redder.

Quickly look away…

OK, so, despite the beetroot face, you aren’t some weirdo who loses their shit when seeing a breast in public, and certainly not when it’s got a baby attached to it, so you definitely aren’t going to stare. After locking eyes and blushing, you must look away immediately as you really like this cafe and getting arrested for being a pervert would mean you could never come in again.

…but in the most casual way possible

On the other hand, you don’t want the breastfeeding woman to think you are in any way phased by the beautiful, natural process she’s engaged in, as you’re a sensitive, modern man. Rather than whipping your head around instantly, give her a supportive smile first. She definitely won’t think you’re a horrible creep who is invading her space.

Make a comment about someone else staring

While you are totally cool with this display of maternal care, the bloke in front of you in the queue keeps turning round and looking. As a feminist, you find his boorish leering disgusting and tell him to stop staring. He retorts that it’s the first time his partner and baby son have been out in public so he’s naturally worried. Then asks what the f**k you think you’re doing accusing him of being a wrong ‘un before quietly but threateningly asking if you want to take this outside.

Run for it

Despite your best efforts, you’ve dealt with this situation very badly. Cut your losses and leg it from the queue, then later Google how long women usually breastfeed for and resign yourself to not returning to that particular coffee shop for between six months and two years, in case it should happen again.

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Man not sure if he is stuck in a Groundhog Day scenario or just middle-aged

A MAN is unsure whether he is living out the plot of the 1993 film Groundhog Day or if he is just trapped the dull and repetitive cycle of being 46 years old.

Martin Bishop does exactly the same soul-suckingly dull things every day and even the weekends do not seem to break the crushing tedium of his pitiful existence.

Bishop said: “Surely no one’s life can be this mind-numbingly mundane. The alarm goes off at the same time every day, I go to work on the same bus, sit at the same desk, perform the same tasks and feel the same feelings of hatred for my colleagues.

“Then I go home and have the same argument with my wife, before watching the same TV shows. I mean, it must be the same episode of Masterchef they’ve been playing on repeat for the past 17 years, right? It never changes.

“Is this it now until I retire at 70 and get settled into another, even more boring routine that I do until I die? No wonder Bill Murray got really angry and smashed his alarm clock. And, no disrespect, but my wife’s not exactly Andie MacDowell.”

Bishop’s wife Helen said: “He should have an affair. That’s what I’ve done to escape his repetitive whining about how bored he is, and I’m having a whale of a time.”