The Mash guide to not feeling guilty about being in the One Per Cent

ARE you a very rich bastard? Here’s how to not feel guilty about it.

With a crumbling patriarchy, a disgraced Hollywood elite and those pesky Paradise Papers, it’s never been harder to be an excessively wealthy fucker. 

You may have burdened the rest of the overworked populace with your imaginative tax practices, but this is no time to get weighed down in self-reflection. There’s more money to be made and no shortage of replacement bastards.

This is how to eliminate any unhelpful feelings of ‘one per cent guilt’ –

Reassure yourself that your butler loves you. He’s been driven to alcoholism from years of serving you partridge and watching you guffaw port onto table linens, but you’re keeping that man in quality Scotch. 

Remember when Philip Green’s boat sailed past yours in Monte Carlo? It was boarding school showers all over again. If anything you haven’t got enough money. 

Your wives keep getting older and unattractive and you have to marry new ones, but remember the ageing process isn’t your fault. ‘They’ can’t blame time on you. 

What would the world be like for normal people without fleeting glances of you – a marvellous creature that creeps around members’ clubs in colourful silk scarves and velvet-heeled slippers? You are as wondrous and rare as the white rhino.

You have these charming wandering hands, like two cheeky sexual nomads. You couldn’t possibly curb their adventures, but these days out of court settlements aren’t cheap. The coffers must be kept full.  

Feeling better? If not, get your butler to bring you a bottle of Chateau Lafite-Rothchild then google the price and know that, yes, you are a god.

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Daily Telegraph offers bounty for Brexit mutineers

THE Daily Telegraph has placed a £10,000 bounty on the head of 15 Conservative MPs who have dared defy the glory of Brexit. 

The front page of the newspaper, headlined ‘WANTED’, is being stapled to saloon walls all over Britain with a cash reward for any of the politicians brought to book. 

Editor Chris Evans said: “They knew the law. They chose to break it. Now they’re facing Brexit justice. 

“They’re probably hiding out in their constituencies, so we’re looking for good men and women who don’t bother themselves too much with legalities to drag them back kicking and screaming. 

“After than, well, I reckon they’re in for a little reminder that the Barclay brothers, along with Boss Dacre and old Mister Murdoch, run this town. Branding iron’s in the fire. Should be good and hot.”