IT has been 24 hours since the Great Passing and many people are now extremely bored and ready to move on.
The Daily Mash presents a laminated* eight-point guide to diverting conversations away from Margaret Thatcher and her divisive legacy, blah, blah, fucking blah.
1) If someone says, ‘she saved Britain’, tell them that you are having an affair with their partner. And that it’s ‘very dirty’.
2) If someone says ‘she did good things and bad things’ say: “I once saw her topless.”
3) If someone uses the phrase ‘tramp the dirt down’, say: “Did you know George Galloway bought a luxury villa in Portugal and used to write for the Mail on Sunday?” You can then talk disparagingly about Galloway for a few moments, until everyone agrees that he’s a c*nt.
4) If, because of some bad planning, you find yourself at a fancy drinks party, talking to a Conservative, say: “Go and get me 14 of those mini pizzas. NOW!”
5) If someone says ‘my grandad was a miner’, put on a ridiculous ‘ecky-thump’ accent and dance about like a monkey until they chase you from the room.
6) If you meet someone who works in the City and they start getting all emotional about her, give them a leaflet about penis pumps and then kiss them on the forehead.
7) If someone says ‘poll tax’, say: “I thought the pole tax was a good idea. People have too many poles.” And then – no matter what they say – continue to argue with them using ‘pole’ instead of ‘poll’.
8) If someone mentions the Falklands, open your shirt, pull out some lipstick and draw a penguin on your torso. Then point at it and say ‘exactly’.
*As Margaret Thatcher once said: “Laminate it yourself.”