The mum's guide to keeping your children informed about tedious shit

IT is a mother’s duty to keep your grown-up children informed about dull things that don’t affect them. But are you passing on enough tedious information? Take our quiz.

You see a programme on BBC2 about eskimos. What do you do next?

A. Nothing.

B. Ask your son if he saw “the programme about eskimos” as if it was a major cultural event that gripped the nation. If he did not, explain eskimo life to him in enormous detail, including going to the toilet through an ‘ice hole’.

It is raining. What is your response?

A. Wait until it stops before going out.

B. Ring your children. They need to be made aware of this phenomenon known as ‘rain’.

A friend’s daughter is marrying a man who got divorced 10 years ago. What should you do?

A. Be pleased for them.

B. Phone your daughter and speculate that the new husband – who you know nothing about – is probably not to be trusted, as if he is some sleazy womaniser with a gold medallion who possibly does a bit of pimping on the side.

How would you describe ‘email’?

A. A revolution in global communications technology.

B. A means of sending your children a constant stream of recipes that they “might be interested in”, eg. an insanely complicated cauliflower curry recipe because they have been known to eat cauliflower.

You see a TV news report about street crime in London. What is your response?

A. Just be glad it is a rare occurrence.

B. Remember your son went to a conference in London three years ago and ring immediately to warn him about the ‘acid gangs’. When he points out he lives in Norwich and has no plans to visit London assure him they’ll be coming to Norfolk soon.

Mostly As. You are not giving your children nearly enough dreary information. Try giving them twice-daily updates on local roadworks and email them a picture if you buy a new cheese grater.

Mostly Bs. You are an excellent mum! Now take it to the next level with utter tedium like their dad finding a completely unused paintbrush in the shed.

 

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UK gearing up for another totally pointless Fathers Day

FATHERS and sons across the UK are preparing for another awkward and superfluous ‘celebration’ of being closely related.

As usual the day is set to be a half-hearted exchange of unwanted cards and gifts that neither dads nor their offspring are particularly bothered about.

Roy Hobbs, 62, said: “Ideally I’d tell my son to ignore Father’s Day. But no, we feel he has to come round and I have to switch the telly off. Then there’s the awkward hug and the half-arsed gift.

“Once it was a maroon tie. Another time it was a mug with a picture of the Flying Scotsman on it. It’s so bloody random he may as well just give me a banana.

“My biggest fear is he might say ‘I love you, dad’. We’re not in a soap opera so I don’t want any of that emotional nonsense, thank you very much.”

Hobbs’ son David said: “Once again I have had to choose from a load of overpriced Father’s Day cards that in no way reflect our relationship.

“One said ‘Thank you Dad for making me the man I am today!’. That seems a bit excessive because mainly he just made sure I had food and clothes and tried to get me into fishing.

“Looks like he’s getting the non-committal one saying ‘Have a great day!’ and a tiny bottle of Drambuie with a shot glass he can leave to gather dust on the sideboard.”