Visiting skincare counter is masochistic fetish, admit women

WOMEN only visit skincare counters because they secretly love being told how shit their skin is, they have confirmed.

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “If all I wanted was a moisturiser, I’d just order it online. I go to my local skincare counter for the sexy, evil service.

“I don’t know why, but I really enjoy being sharply scolded for my ‘dry and lifeless’ skin by a sales assistant with a superiority complex and perfect fucking pores.

“It’s a bit like how I’m attracted to bastards. Something about being humiliated over minor things like whether I cleanse twice makes me come back for more every time.”

Skincare sales assistant Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t actually know anything about skincare. All our training was about how to give the customers what they want – a load of new insecurities to go home with.

“It can be tough to nail the perfect combination of judgement, pity and aloofness that drives our customers wild, but I’m getting pretty good at it.

“For the ones that like the hardcore stuff we’ve got a blemish light that really highlights every flaw. They always come back.”

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World Cup opening ceremony to centre on 380ft replica of Putin’s cock

TODAY’S World Cup opening ceremony will feature a monstrous replica of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s ‘magnificent’ penis.

The cock, which is accurate in every detail, will enter Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium bellend-first in a blizzard of ticker tape with official mascot Zabivaka the cartoon wolf dancing on top.

After several circuits of the stadium allowing spectators and FIFA dignitaries to admire it from every angle, the grossly outsized member will then be hoisted erect to the sound of Placido Domingo belting out some opera.

The Bolshoi Ballet will then perform a piece about how irresistible it is to women and how inspiring for men before the replica begins to fire $40 million-worth of fireworks and large-denomination banknotes from its tip.

The show will finish with Robbie Williams singing Let Me Entertain You, proving that even the biggest dicks of the West are no match for Putin.

President Trump said: “Vlad gave me a sneak preview and I thought it was tasteful. Very tasteful. Beautiful.”