THE Highway Code has been updated to meet the needs of the dickheads who dominate Britain’s roads. Be aware of these new rules:
Previously you had to give way to pedestrians at junctions. Now you must neither stop nor slow down, putting them within inches of being sideswiped by your Audi, ideally while you scream baseless abuse. Good drivers should be doing this already.
When in no rush on a short journey, eg a trip to Londis for a bottle of wine, drive like a f**king maniac. Go at least 10 miles over the speed limit. Overtake and cut back in dangerously on short residential roads. Push your vehicle to its limits. The new Highway Code makes it illegal not to shave four seconds off any journey.
Don’t move to the middle of the lane when you need to turn right; doggedly stay there throughout. If a driver points out the detrimental effect this has on traffic, deliver a short lecture on the carbon footprint of driving and the obesity timebomb. Your self-righteousness is fully protected in law.
The new Highway Code also awards law enforcement powers to cyclists. In any dispute you may chase after a driver, turning a minor incident or honest error into a long, dangerous, Duel-like chase until you catch them texting at a red light with your helmet camera.
‘Look left, look right, look left again’ has been replaced with ‘Be glued to your mobile phone and just step out’. When you are run down, give the concerned driver a mouthful of abuse for f**king up your Wordle.
All teenagers must lark about on the pavement in a group, with the odd one unexpectedly running out into the road in sheer excitement because Kaycee blasted Connor on TikTok. Remain oblivious to the shaken driver who slammed on the brakes and continue shrieking mindlessly about your teenage shit.