MONDAY morning in January? Surrounded by bloody people? Want nothing more than for them all to just piss off? Try these tips:
It’s amazing how quickly you’ll develop a pungent reek by not washing. Within days everyone on the bus will know it’s you, and within a fortnight dogs will bark and flee. You could use an eco-argument to defend yourself, but no need – there’s nobody around to defend yourself to.
Talk about your dream
There is little duller than a recounting of a dream, especially as just when the listener thinks it’s over you can add ‘And then suddenly I was at my childhood home but it was underwater’ and begin a whole new bit. You can clear whole offices, train carriages and town centres just by asking ‘did I tell you about my weird dream?’
Refuse to believe in science
Not just vaccines and climate change. Doubting the existence of gravity or questioning the laws of thermodynamics will see people peel away from you in droves. To shake off any remaining hangers-on go flat-Earther. Then revel in the emptiness of your Costa.
Pretend to be a charity fundraiser
Want to quickly get from one side of town to the other, but hate battling through crowds of slow-walkers? Part the public like the Red Sea by carrying fundraising leaflets and trying to engage strangers in conversation. You’ll be avoided like you’re radioactive, leaving you free to power through to Greggs for lunch.
Fake your own death
Extreme? Nah. All it involves is getting your obituary written up in the local newspaper and turning your phone off forever. Half-a-dozen people – partner, family, that one good friend – will be briefly upset but the peace and quiet will be worth it. Until you get bored in a few hours’ time and fancy going bowling.