Friday, 6th December 2019

The Northerner's guide to proving your Northernness

BEING Northern isn’t a geographical thing - it’s a state of mind. Whether you live in Sheffield, Shelby or Skipton, here’s how not to be a soft Southern ponce.

Finding a Malteser that’s been under the settee for three months and eating it

All this talk of sell-by dates is for London stomachs gone soft from smashed avocados. What would a starving mill worker have done? Shared it among his family of six. And they'd have been happy.

Talking over your fence to your neighbour every day for 20 years but never setting foot in their house

We’re friendly up North but we don’t go for all this living room hopping. Next thing you know it’ll be swingers parties with sex swings and double-headed dildos and taking the net curtains down.

Not being comfortable with hugging people, including 'the wife'

Unnecessary Southern affectation and you’re liable to catch something. Don’t get me started on people kissing you on both cheeks. What next, having a bath with the Amazon delivery man? 

Downing four pints of ale at lunchtime but having a morbid fear of wine

We’ve seen it many a time in Coronation Street. Wine’s a namby pamby drink but by heck, a thimbleful of it gives you a colossal hangover. Best to stick with ale. No harm has ever come of drinking 15 pints of Black Sheep.

Believing there’s not a problem that can’t be solved by putting t’kettle on

Back playing up? Best put t’kettle on. Had a set to with them next door? Best put t’kettle on. Ecological crisis due to excessive use of domestic appliances? Best put t’kettle on.