The Northerner's guide to proving your Northernness

BEING Northern isn’t a geographical thing – it’s a state of mind. Whether you live in Sheffield, Shelby or Skipton, here’s how not to be a soft Southern ponce.

Finding a Malteser that’s been under the settee for three months and eating it

All this talk of sell-by dates is for London stomachs gone soft from smashed avocados. What would a starving mill worker have done? Shared it among his family of six. And they’d have been happy.

Talking over your fence to your neighbour every day for 20 years but never setting foot in their house

We’re friendly up North but we don’t go for all this living room hopping. Next thing you know it’ll be swingers parties with sex swings and double-headed dildos and taking the net curtains down.

Not being comfortable with hugging people, including ‘the wife’

Unnecessary Southern affectation and you’re liable to catch something. Don’t get me started on people kissing you on both cheeks. What next, having a bath with the Amazon delivery man? 

Downing four pints of ale at lunchtime but having a morbid fear of wine

We’ve seen it many a time in Coronation Street. Wine’s a namby pamby drink but by heck, a thimbleful of it gives you a colossal hangover. Best to stick with ale. No harm has ever come of drinking 15 pints of Black Sheep.

Believing there’s not a problem that can’t be solved by putting t’kettle on

Back playing up? Best put t’kettle on. Had a set to with them next door? Best put t’kettle on. Ecological crisis due to excessive use of domestic appliances? Best put t’kettle on.

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Drivers over 70 only allowed to drive at night

DRIVERS who have had their licences for 50 years or more are only to be allowed to drive between the hours of 11pm and 6am. 

The government has announced the crackdown after warnings that four in five older motorists are causing accidents and tailbacks and increasing the risk of heart attacks for anyone stuck behind them. 

Road safety minister Michael Ellis said: “Want to drive at 45mph in the middle lane of the motorway? Want to trundle down a country lane at urban traffic jam speeds? You can – at night. 

“Britain is sick of pensioners wobbling along busy high streets at 20mph with one indicator left speculatively on. They’re costing business thousands and sending frustrated motorists to early graves. 

“Under the new rules, anyone over 70 or who has been driving for 50 years is only allowed to pull their dithering bullsh*t during the seven hours productive people are asleep. 

“The only people on the street at that time of night are drunks, and even they’ll be able to hop out of the way of granddad in his 1979 Morris Marina. Also old folk already get to the post office three hours before it opens so it suits them.” 

He added: “The Duke of Edinburgh, of course, may continue driving wherever he likes, as fast as he likes. Britain is his racetrack and nothing more.”