Wednesday, 12th August 2020

Five popular new hobbies under a Conservative majority

A NEW era of majority Conservative rule has begun, but how will you occupy yourself in the evenings now? Try these: 

Staring into the middle distance
Nothing like having a nice sit and a stare for hours and hours, wondering how we became a country without a functioning political opposition and what we do now. Sighs of despair optional but usually involuntary.

Peering hard at strangers wondering how they voted
An excellent workout for the facial muscles, this popular public activity keeps the mind busy  as you try to work out who on the bus, train or street voted for this dystopian nightmare and if you could kill them now and get away with it.

Screaming into pillows
Let it all out! Nothing like a cleansing howl to keep you going for the next five more years of this Tory Brexit sh*tshow without disturbing your landlord, who you’ll be paying forever.

Having a lie down on the floor
This doesn’t have to be at home; the workplace, the shops or the street are great places to suddenly collapse with all-encompassing despair. Try to avoid puddles and roads, unless the feelings are particularly unendurable.

Unfettered twattishness
Of course, you can always follow the example of our new prime minister and do whatever the f**k you what, whenever you want. Be a racist! Lie on a bus! Get a girl pregnant and run away! Hide in a fridge! Everything’s allowed now.