Five popular new hobbies under a Conservative majority

A NEW era of majority Conservative rule has begun, but how will you occupy yourself in the evenings now? Try these: 

Staring into the middle distance
Nothing like having a nice sit and a stare for hours and hours, wondering how we became a country without a functioning political opposition and what we do now. Sighs of despair optional but usually involuntary.

Peering hard at strangers wondering how they voted
An excellent workout for the facial muscles, this popular public activity keeps the mind busy  as you try to work out who on the bus, train or street voted for this dystopian nightmare and if you could kill them now and get away with it.

Screaming into pillows
Let it all out! Nothing like a cleansing howl to keep you going for the next five more years of this Tory Brexit sh*tshow without disturbing your landlord, who you’ll be paying forever.

Having a lie down on the floor
This doesn’t have to be at home; the workplace, the shops or the street are great places to suddenly collapse with all-encompassing despair. Try to avoid puddles and roads, unless the feelings are particularly unendurable.

Unfettered twattishness
Of course, you can always follow the example of our new prime minister and do whatever the f**k you what, whenever you want. Be a racist! Lie on a bus! Get a girl pregnant and run away! Hide in a fridge! Everything’s allowed now.

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Council house covered in Christmas lights daring you to say something

A COUNCIL house absolutely festooned in flashing Christmas decorations is goading passers-by into voicing prejudiced thoughts. 

The house, which still has a council door, is estimated to be covered in around £11,000 of lighting with viewers biting their tongues and looking away quickly when they see the smiling, waving householder.

Occupant Wayne Hayes said: “Yeah, it’s pure provocation. Come and have a f**king word if you don’t like it.

“I know everyone round here thinks we’re spending all their taxes on booze and fags, so this is a massive festive two finger to the lot of them.

“I can hear the whispering from the Audis from here. I love it. I’m outside with a Lambert & Butler and a can of Strongbow Dark Fruits. Say something to my face.

“We’re lit up like a cruise ship in harbour. You should see our electric bills. Come on, wonder out loud how we pay them, I dare you.”