The schoolkids' guide to using coronavirus to take the absolute piss

SICK of school already? Fancy a skive? The coronavirus guidelines are your best friend. Here’s how to turn a pandemic to your advantage: 

Cough or sneeze literally anywhere

Before coronavirus, faking illness meant a pathetic attempt at a croaky voice and trying to raise your temperature by thinking hard. Now cough once while walking to the art room and you’re off school for two lovely weeks. And once your classmates spot the trick, so are they.

Be late to all lessons

Social distancing means schools have introduced a one-way system to move pupils around, which like any town centre one-way system doesn’t work. Claim you got swept up in Year 12’s flow and ended up in Geography GCSE, even though you were actually smoking a bifter behind the drama block.

Scare younger kids on the bus

Bullying younger pupils was always a pleasure, but now you can threaten them with actual death it’s reached new heights. Take off your mask and breathe directly into their faces to create the fullest freak out possible.

Get out of PE

The most dreaded school sports, like rugby and netball, are already out because of Covid. But you can refuse any PE by claiming the hygiene of the changing rooms is compromised. No teacher will going to volunteer to clean them, after all.

Talk back behind your mask

Been told off again for being an annoying little shit? Feel better by mouthing at the teacher that he’s a ‘salty old dickbag wankmonger’ behind your mask. He’ll never know.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Benito Mussolini to appear on Live at the Apollo

ITALIAN dictator Benito Mussolini is to perform on the BBC comedy show Live at the Apollo in an effort to redress left-wing bias.

The renowned public speaker and clown will film a stand-up segment this autumn, alongside other right-wing jokers Augusto Pinochet and General Francisco Franco.

Producer Susan Traherne said: “We’re delighted to be able to welcome ‘Il Duce’ and his unique unique brand of colourful commentary to the BBC.

“For too long the Apollo’s stage has been dominated by comedians who are left-of-centre and alive. Giving Mussolini the chance to perform a tight ten minute set will give us a more inclusive comedy scene where fascism is not only tolerated, but celebrated.”

Mussolini plans to avoid politics and focus on observational material about Fiat drivers, the Pope, why you should never marry your mistress and the difficulty of saying no to Austrians.

The comedian, who was famously cancelled in 1945, said: “If the BBC will insist on giving airtime to a raging communist like Nish Kumar, it’s only fair to balance that with an alternative perspective.”

Tory voter and viewer Joe Turner said: “Why is Dara Ó Briain doing an Italian accent? F**king lefty shite.”