Six months whinging about homeschool and you taught them f**k all

By secondary school headteacher Mrs Susan Traherne

IT’S all we’ve heard since March. Homeschool, how hard homeschool is, balancing work and homeschool, etcetera. So I was surprised to find your kids have learned absolutely f**k all. 

Less than f**k all, if that’s possible. Under your tutelage they appear to have lost knowledge they already had. A six-year-old should not claim the answer to six times eight is ‘bear’.

We tried to help. We made resources available to download, we marked their work, we gave them words of encouragement. Or we would have, if you’d bothered logging on.

So, I must ask, what was all this homeschooling you were giving them? That you resented so? It wasn’t maths. They know no history. None of them appear to be newly fluent in Farsi.

I note, however, that they appear to know everything there is to know about season four of Fortnite. That their knowledge of Phineas and Ferb is encyclopediac. That they can now do backflips on the trampoline.

My hypothesis is, therefore, that the issue wasn’t with the teaching techniques but with the teacher simply not bothering. That at best you made them read a book, or perhaps do some light colouring, before they went on the PS4.

In short, they’ve learned f**k all because you taught them f**k all. You spent more time moaning about homeschooling on Facebook than you spent homeschooling.

Don’t worry. We’ll handle it. It’s not an easy job, but it’s our job. But next time? Perhaps you could do us all the favour and shut the f**k up.

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The pensioner's guide to why Britain is just terrible nowadays

FROM teenage policemen to reality TV, Britain is a terrible country to live in these days. 76-year-old Roy Hobbs lists a few of the problems:

Too much food

All these ‘ready pizzas’ and ‘microwave potatoes’ are making people lazy. We never ate that rubbish. These career women should get back to being homemakers, and if they don’t like coring a cabbage with a jackknife there’s always valium.

All these people off work

When I was an apprentice you were at work on time or the foreman hit you in the testicles with a three-foot steel ruler. These days you get one global pandemic and everyone’s working from home on their wireless. Whack ‘em in the balls and they’d soon be back in the office.


In my day you gave the conductor one and six and got a nice paper ticket. Now it’s all these stupid fiddly payment cards making everyone’s life a misery. The driver wasn’t Polish, is what I’m trying to say.

The transsexuals

I follow the news closely – Daily Mail, Telegraph, Express – and these transers are the biggest threat to Britain since the Nazis or Corbyn. Before long you literally won’t know who’s a man or woman and you won’t be allowed to ask. A good war with Spain is long overdue.

The television

All it is now is sex and violence and barrack-room language. I long for the 1970s when you could have a good chuckle at a well-written, hilarious sitcom like On the Buses, then make a cuppa and settle down for a wholesome film like Death Wish.

All these protesters

How long is it before these Black Lives Matter types want being white to be illegal? You might think that’s utter rubbish but don’t expect to get a word of sense out of me, because my mind’s addled and I don’t listen to a word anyone says. You’ll be the same one day.