Five free things Rishi Sunak could fob the public off with next

EAT Out To Help Out’s success proves that Britain can be bought off with anything halfway free. Here’s what Rishi Sunak should try next.

A Chicken & Mushroom Pot Noodle

Now the Nando’s tap has been turned off, the country’s diners need cheap, tasty MSG-laden fare from somewhere. Enjoy chain dining at home by serving your Pot Noodle with fries and coleslaw and pretending very hard it is not weird synthetic slop.

A brick

A single 40p housebrick doesn’t sound great, but you’re not factoring in Britain’s tightarses for whom it’s not about the money or usefulness, it’s getting something for free. Also collect enough and you’ve got a house, so it’s your own fault you’re still living with mum and dad, millennials.

Half-off at the bookie’s and vape shops

Develop a bargain gambling addiction and take up vaping to save money on liquid nicotine in flavours like ‘Mango Menthol’ and ‘Blueberry Tobacco Ice’. It’s all getting our high streets moving again, and perhaps soon every single store will be a vape shop or a bookie’s.

A fish

To eat or keep as a pet. The main thing is that it rhymes properly – ‘Rishi’s fishies’ – which will be helpful to the press as they try to spin it as another Tory triumph. And if British fish are worth a no-deal Brexit, then it’s surely worth you keeping a pet mackerel.

A poke in the eye with a shitty stick

Superficially, not that appealing. However, it’s free and a large number of voters applaud anything the government does because Brexit and immigrants. Excrement-based eyeball-pokings will attract queues around the block to back Boris.

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Children warned when mummy picks them up from school she will be pissed

THE nation’s mothers have told their children that mummy might need a little bit of help with walking straight when she comes to get them from school. 

Carolyn Ryan adviser her two children: “It’s been a very hard six months for mummy, keeping you two entertained all day every day. So mummy deserves a little treat.

“Mummy, and Josh’s mummy and Elsa’s mummy and all the other mums are all going to the Golden Lion and having something called an ‘all-dayer’.

“Mummy is going to get more drunk than she’s been since she was 18. Mummy will be doing yards of ale and shots and being sick then staggering back to the bar for more. Because she needs to unwind.

“You do remember the way home from school, don’t you? Good. Because by 3pm, mummy won’t.”

Headteacher Francesca Johnson said: “We will be covering parental inebriation, or ‘Mummy’s being funny’ in our assemblies this week.

“It’s essential our pupils are prepared for their mothers to be steaming because now they’re at school they’ll no longer have the context of seeing her sneak a glass or three with lunch.”