Cyclists acting like they own the bike lane

CYCLISTS riding in the bike lane are acting as if it is a special space they are entitled to, it has emerged. 

Enraged motorist Wayne Hayes could not believe the brass neck of cyclists arrogantly hogging the bike lane and refusing to move over for his BMW.

He said: “You should’ve seen them, smugly pedalling along without a care in the world. Who do they think they are?

“I only swerved into their precious little bike lane to get round this halfwit in a Twingo and they start flailing their arms and screaming and shouting at me like I’m the bad guy. I felt really victimised.

“Just because it’s green and has a bike painted on it doesn’t mean it’s reserved for their exclusive use. It’s a courtesy, not a right.

“They act like I’m the one putting them in danger, when their carbon fiber bike frames could make a hell of a mess of my paintwork. Bloody selfish.”

Cyclist Nikki Hollis said: “The bike lane is ours and motorists should respect that. But they don’t so we take out our anger on pedestrians. If they place so much as a toe inside it we will knock them the f**k down.”

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How to bullshit your way through a day at work

WORRIED your colleagues are one Zoom call away from finding out you’re shockingly inept and should be fired? Blag your way through the day with these tips: 

Spout corporate jargon

Firing off the latest buzzwords will confuse and impress your co-workers. You can get them from anywhere, so saying ‘moving forward we’ll pwn the K-pop stans and yeet melts, the fash and reply guys,’ will guarantee nods of agreement and affirmation.

Always be on the phone

You can’t be interrupted for an urgent talk about your performance if you’ve got a phone glued to your ear and sound like you’re about to close a deal. If anyone challenges you, get another phone on the other ear then just glare.

Wear an expensive watch

Strapping a Rolex onto your wrist will make bosses sit up and take notice of even the most lowly of employees. They’ll be thinking things like ‘How the fuck did he afford that?’, ‘Is it fake?’ and ‘Wait. Am I his boss or is he my boss? I can’t remember’.

Claim you’re taking a client out to lunch

Sounds important and buys you valuable time to update your CV from the privacy of Wetherspoons. Best of all you can order two people’s worth of food and drink and claim the whole thing back on expenses.

Ask for a promotion

Blindside your superiors when they call you in to fire you by demanding a promotion. Even if you’ve missed your targets for the last three quarters your manager will be so off-guard you might even get it, and then you can start paying off that Rolex loan.