Saturday, 24th October 2020

That was your f**king summer

The UK has collectively realised that it is August bank holiday and that miserable three months just past was its f**king summer. 

The complete absence of all the usual milestones like school holidays, actual holidays, music festivals, family parties and Euro 2020 means that Britons still held out vague hope that the good bit of summer could be just coming up until today.

Tom Booker of Lincoln said: “What were my highlights of summer 2020? Well, I’d have to say that one nervous, socially distanced visit to the pub where I had three pints before it started raining.

“Other than that? Well there was our crappy piss-wet camping staycation. There was wearing a facemask in the shops. Once we went to a beach, but it was so busy we turned around and drove home.

“There’s been joyless football, painfully shit attempts to do a virtual Glastonbury or Edinburgh Fringe or Notting Hill Carnival or whatever, and now it’s over.

“Spring was bollocks, but at least lockdown was a bit of a novelty and we all felt a warm glow of togetherness. The summer didn’t even have that. Worst ever.”

He added: “No, wait, what summer was it where Umbrella was number one and it never stopped raining for months? 2007? This hasn’t been as bad as that.”