That was your f**king summer

The UK has collectively realised that it is August bank holiday and that miserable three months just past was its f**king summer. 

The complete absence of all the usual milestones like school holidays, actual holidays, music festivals, family parties and Euro 2020 means that Britons still held out vague hope that the good bit of summer could be just coming up until today.

Tom Booker of Lincoln said: “What were my highlights of summer 2020? Well, I’d have to say that one nervous, socially distanced visit to the pub where I had three pints before it started raining.

“Other than that? Well there was our crappy piss-wet camping staycation. There was wearing a facemask in the shops. Once we went to a beach, but it was so busy we turned around and drove home.

“There’s been joyless football, painfully shit attempts to do a virtual Glastonbury or Edinburgh Fringe or Notting Hill Carnival or whatever, and now it’s over.

“Spring was bollocks, but at least lockdown was a bit of a novelty and we all felt a warm glow of togetherness. The summer didn’t even have that. Worst ever.”

He added: “No, wait, what summer was it where Umbrella was number one and it never stopped raining for months? 2007? This hasn’t been as bad as that.”

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Dying of coronavirus as unlikely as owning your own home, millennials reassured

FOR Britons aged between 25 and 39 the chance of dying from coronavirus is as remote as one day owning property, the government has reassured.

Research has shown that for anyone born between 1981 and 1996, there is as little reason to fear Covid as there is to hope for the financial independence their parents and grandparents enjoyed.

Dr Helen Archer said: “My research compares mortality rates from the virus against property prices and wages in key millennial areas, like Shoreditch.”

“Using algorithms which compare variables like pop-ups, vinyl ownership and numbers of flat whites bought a month we have established that millennials have a 0.09 per cent chance of ever owning a home, compared to a 0.07 per cent chance of dying of the virus.

“If you were active on Livejournal in the 00s, wear a backpack to clubs or have an unusually large beard, you need not fear. Though economically it’ll hit you like a ton of f**king bricks.”

29-year-old Lucy Parry said: “Anecdotally that makes sense. I only know a few people who’ve had the virus, but everyone I know is paying £750 a month for an overcrowded flatshare.

“This pandemic’s nothing to us. We were born doomed.”