The Telegraph guide to reaching net zero wokeness by 2030

MANKIND faces its greatest crisis ever – cultural climate change, or ‘wokeness’, which threatens to destroy civilisation as we know it. Here’s what we must do to avert catastrophe.

Cut virtuous emissions from universities

The atmosphere is being polluted by these factories of political correctness. Men of the people like Nigel Farage, Graham Linehan and Daniel Hannan are being stifled. Rupert Murdoch, like Captain Tom, is making a valiant effort but we can’t rely on one brave old man. There’s only one solution – bulldoze all universities except the posh ones Daily Telegraph writers’ children go to.

Stop eating plant-based products

The vegan cult is seeing us burning through plants at an unprecedented rate. This could result in shortages at garden centres and a terrible ‘greenhouse effect’ of our retired readers running out of tomato plants to grow. For Heaven’s sake, eat meat. Every generation wants to leave its mark and ours will be our mighty carbon footprint.

Ban cycling

If God had intended us to cycle everywhere like a bunch of bloody spinsters, he wouldn’t have put fossil fuels in the ground. These lycra menaces need to be squashed like hedgehogs by our readers in their cars. We might start doing free stickers for every confirmed kill, so you can relive the halcyon days of the Battle of Britain in your Audi.

Ban recycling

The bearded Marxists in their tofu sandals want our kitchens to be gulags where we endlessly wash out yoghurt pots. This has to stop. Also it contains the word ‘cycling’. They can’t fool us with their leftie brainwashing, which sounds unhinged but the borderline-Nazi lunatics in the comments section will wholeheartedly agree.

Get rid of this ULEZ nonsense

More mind games, this time signs saying ‘ULEZ’ everywhere. There’s a subliminal message: ‘You, lesbian’. It’s nothing to do with pollution, it’s an attempt to pervert the flower of English womanhood by enticing them toward alternative Sapphic lifestyles. As any ageing. red-blooded male who’s tried chatting up much younger women with witty comments like ‘You don’t get many of them to the pound!’ will attest, a lot of them are lesbians these days.

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England has no idea what to do if it wins World Cup

HAVING built its identity on football-related self-pity, England has no clue how it will react if it beats Spain on Sunday.

England’s national character is defined by 57 ‘years of hurt’, meaning the country would be left in a state of paralysed shock if the Lionesses do the unthinkable and actually bring a World Cup trophy home.

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “We’ll want to drop to our knees and cry with joy, but it won’t feel right. Instead we’ll likely gaze off into the middle distance with a vacant expression and wonder ‘Now what?’

“Our instinct will be to drown our sorrows. What’s the triumphant equivalent of that? Quaffing pints of victory? Doesn’t sit right. Doesn’t sit right at all.

“Losing at football is as English as cups of tea and James Bond. Winning is foreign and therefore deeply unsettling. We should stick to what we know and that’s disappointment.”

Nikki Hollis from Colchester said: “Maybe winning the World Cup will usher in a new golden era for this country. As an encore we’ll fix everything else that’s going wrong, and God knows there’s a lot.

“Although in all likelihood a win will cause an even worse, more arrogant English persona. We’ll develop a hatred of Spain like the one we already have for the Germans. The Spanish Armada is a good starting point.

“We’d better throw the match, just to be safe.”