The things other teenagers' parents all let them do, according to your teenager

YOUR teenage child has informed you that your parenting is senselessly restrictive compared to the parenting of their peers, who are allowed to do the following:

Stay out all night (Grace Wood-Morris, aged 13)

Apparently Grace’s parents set no restrictions on when she has to be home despite her only being in year seven. She can stay out until midnight on a school night if she likes. How this accords with sightings of Grace being ordered in from outside the Co-op at 8pm goes unanswered.

Play Xbox until 3am (Jordan Gardner, aged 12)

Jordan, who will soon be earning millions as a pro Twitch streamer, has parents who recognise that he needs to put in as many hours as necessary to realise his dream. Any visionary father would do likewise. You hold back your view that Jordan is a fat friendless loser and dismiss your son so you can play on your own bloody Xbox for a change.

Have an iPhone 14 Pro Max (Ryan Whittaker, aged 13)

If Ryan is allowed the latest iPhone, which he uses to make ‘S-tier’ TikTok videos that ‘slap’, why is your daughter not? Your gentle explanation that you cannot afford £1,199 after she lost her last phone ‘in a field’ is deemed a mere excuse.

Wear whatever she likes (Sophie Rodriguez, aged 14)

Sophie’s mum allows her to choose her own clothes. She is the fashion pioneer of year eight and attended the school disco in a bikini top, briefly, before Mr Richardson sent her home. Having observed how Sophie’s mum dresses, you f**king bet she does.

Call her mum a bitch (Lucy Parry, aged 15)

Lucy Parry is not required to be polite to her parents and regularly, she informs her classmates, calls her mum a bitch, a cow and a fat ugly slag. Lucy is deputy head girl and her mum is the local vicar. You doubt the veracity of Lucy’s claims.

Smoke weed (Josh Hudson, aged 15)

Josh is allowed to smoke weed and says it actually makes him calmer and a better student. You carefully explain to your son about the damage cannabis does to developing minds and that Josh is exaggerating, neglecting to mention you bought £40 of skunk off his dad last week.

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No entertainment as good as phone screen of stranger sat next to you

NO PIECE of entertainment can compete with whatever the stranger sitting next to you is looking at on their phone, it has been confirmed.

Literature, art, music and video games all pale into insignificance when some randomer is scrolling through their phone and tapping the screen in your line of sight.

Nosy woman Nikki Hollis said: “I used to breeze through books like Ulysses on my commute. Now I can barely read a sentence before deciding to watch someone I don’t know send a text or watch TikTok. It’s way more enjoyable.

“They don’t even have to be doing anything exciting like writing a sext or illegally streaming a movie. Deleting old photos of their cat or checking their steps is good enough for me. So long as they’re happy, I’m happy.

“Yes, my phone can do everything theirs can, but there’s no sense of voyeurism or a thrilling lack of control.  I can only use it to access hour after hour of quality entertainment carefully crafted by professionals. Where’s the fun in that?”

Phone user Tom Booker said: “Maybe if I draft a message that reads ‘STOP F**KING SPYING ON ME’ they’ll take the hint and go back to their novel?”