World overdue a bullshit fad diet, scientists warn

SCIENTISTS have issued a warning that the planet is long overdue a ridiculous fad diet with no health benefits, it has emerged.

With nobody having lived through a major fad diet since the Atkins scare, scientists have warned everyone to brace themselves for the emergence of a stupid eating regime that does not make any difference.

Nutritionist Julian Cook said: “Granted, there’s been the keto diet and cases of intermittent fasting, but they’ve mainly been localised incidents. We’re on the cusp of something much bigger.

“In the worst case scenario the fad diet will attach flimsy scientific theories to a specific food. Something like: eating five Müller Corners a day brings down your blood pressure. Then before you know it riots will break out in the Sainsbury’s chiller section.

“The diet will be airborne and even spread online, meaning it’ll become a global issue within minutes. Nobody will be immune. It’ll make the popularity of lockdown banana bread look like the work of an amateur.

“We’ve got our best people monitoring food supplements in the papers for news of an outbreak, but this is a case of when, not if. Good luck everyone. You’re going to need it.”

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80 per cent of oral sex debts going unpaid

FOUR out of five men have let oral sex debts mount up that they do not intend to ever repay, it has emerged.

The debts, incurred when men received oral which they then failed to pay back in kind, stretch back decades and amount to millions of unreciprocated sex acts.

Solicitor Tom Logan said: “Oral? I suppose I technically do have a few outstanding in the ledger, yes, but I’m a giving person so surely not much.

“What? 139? That’s nonsense… but I suppose there was, yes, and then the other times, and that entire relationship, and I was a late starter. Well I can’t be expected to clear those debts. They’ll have to be written off.”

Jack Browne, aged 23, said: “Oh God, I don’t know how I let myself get this behind. Giving in to temptation I guess. I blame women for offering such easy credit terms.

“No way can I pay all that back. I’d be working all night every night. Can I subcontract it to a couple of foreign girls?”

Eleanor Shaw said: “Why hello there, if it isn’t the reason married men don’t get blowjobs.”