Bank asks customer to pop into closed branch with utility bill he doesn't have

A BANK has asked a customer to visit a branch that closed years ago with a utility bill he does not possess, it has emerged.

Tom Logan only wanted to change the billing address on his account but has been asked by HSBC to embark on a doomed quest with paperwork he opted out of receiving six years earlier.

He said: “Isn’t this the reason we invented apps? So we could sort everything from the comfort of our sofas while half watching Frozen Planet II and eating a Twix?

“My local branch closed its doors around the time Woolworths went under. Now the nearest one is twenty miles away and doesn’t open on weekends, which makes ‘popping in’ a massive ball-ache that will eat into my annual leave.

“Plus I’ve got to chase down an energy bill or go through the faff of printing off the digital copy. I’d be better off keeping my life savings safely stuffed under my mattress.”

A HSBC spokesperson said: “Tom’s going to be really annoyed when he finds out we can’t take care of his problem in person. He’ll have to call our automated helpline that costs a fiver a minute.”

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Psychopath expects adults to remain at child's birthday party

A MOTHER without pity or mercy expects other mums and dads to stay and celebrate her child’s birthday party, it has emerged.

Lucy Parry’s seventh birthday party contains nothing that appeals to people in their 30s and 40s, yet her remorseless mother demand other parents stay and enduring every loud and exhausting minute of it.

Hostage Ryan Whittaker said: “I thought I’d drop my son off then be out of there in five minutes. When I was handed a glass of squash and introduced to the other parents cowering in the corner I realised that wouldn’t be the case.

“Now I’ve got to waste my Saturday supervising other people’s children. I expect I’ll be forced to serve the little shits cake then clean it up after they’ve all been on the bouncy castle.

“Lucy’s the innocent one in all this, it’s her mum I blame. I let her enjoy an afternoon of freedom when my son had his Laser Quest party and this is how she repays me, by ‘letting’ me do the face painting? She’s unhinged.”

Lucy’s mum Emma said: “You wouldn’t have done anything productive with your free time anyway. Now shut up and look like you’re enjoying watching them play pass the parcel.”