Britain calmly accepting train strikes as if trains had been f**ked for years

THE UK is offhandedly accepting frequent rail service closures as if they had been putting up with them as long as they remember.

An RMT strike means almost no trains are running today, which Britons have shrugged off as if a non-functioning rail network had been part of their daily lives for decades.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “No trains? No biggie. I’ll have to drive to London. What is it, engineering works, leaves on the line, or just no reason at all?

“Strikes? Retro. Why are they doing those? What, it’s meant to inconvenience me that the trains aren’t working? They’re lucky I even noticed.”

Commuter Helen Archer said: “These strikes are great. Imagine finding out your train’s cancelled not when you arrive at the station but days in advance.

“Normally I turn up at 7am and spend two hours on an overcrowded platform only to be stuffed onto a train that unexpectedly skips my station. Compared to that these strikes are an old-fashioned courtesy. The staff deserve a pay rise for being polite.”

Roy Hobbs of Manchester agreed: “It’s like I’ve always said: no train at all is immeasurably superior to a rail-replacement bus.”

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Bag of 400 IKEA tealights feels its moment is near

A BAG of 400 tealights from IKEA, bought in 2008 and languishing under the sink ever since, feels its moment of glory has finally come around.

The tealights, bought because they were unbelievably cheap, have seen little action in the last 14 years but are very excited to have heard about the energy crisis.

Upcoming three-hour blackouts mean the tealights, previously used one at a time for Halloween pumpkins, now expect to be placed gaily all around the house.

No longer a forgotten purchase, the tealights will become the sole sources of light for families to read by, to play boardgames by, to laugh and to love together and will be remembered fondly for years to come.

The Winter of the Tealights draws near, and those that have patiently waited out their confinement will see their time to shine.

Homeowner Susan Traherne said: “Apparently there are blackouts coming. I’ve gone online and ordered a shitload of scented candles.”