The Tory guide to why teachers are to blame for everything

TORIES hate teachers even more than thick kids do. Here MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why the entire profession is evil.

They have long holidays

Teachers love their holidays, so it’s not surprising they won’t go back to work when they’re presented with the ultimate skive: coronavirus. We need to instill a proper work ethic in them by keeping schools open 363 days a year (a day off for Christmas and Brexit Day.)

‘Those who can do, those who can’t teach’

This glib phrase is a 100 per cent accurate description of the teaching profession. Everyone agrees with it, including people doing the most pointless jobs and dreary pub bores, so it must be true. 

They are all left-wing extremists

Every teacher is essentially a Red, itching for a strike and filling our children’s heads with subversive ideas like Sir Francis Drake not being perfect in every way and GCSE Transgenderism. We need to ban their communist propaganda – The Guardian – and get them back to teaching proper subjects like kings and queens of England and woodwork.

They are cowards 

While true Brits are crowding onto beaches and into shops in a glorious ‘Up yours!’ to COVID-19, state school teachers are skulking at home bleating about protecting children, families and themselves. Is ‘treason’ too strong a word? No.

They are nice to children

Trendy modern teachers like non-competitive sports and ‘student counselling’, whatever that is. I was taught at an extremely brutal minor public school in the 60s and it never did me any harm, apart from my numerous disturbing sexual fetishes.

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Blue passports to double as ration books

POST-BREXIT blue passports are to double as Second World War-style ration booklets to make everyone really proud of being British again.

The passports, which are now being issued just as all other countries refuse access to Britons in a perfectly-timed metaphor, will also allow citizens to claim a weekly four ounces of butter, two ounces of loose tea and eight ounces of sugar.

Helen Archer of Dorking said: “Will it be hard to manage on six ounces of ham a week? Yes. Is that less important to me than stopping foreigners getting it? Also yes.

“This blue passport is everything petty-minded, mean and great about our country. It’s witless xenophobia and our love of queueing all in one package.

“It might not get you abroad but it’ll get you powdered eggs, margarine and spam, and it’s got pictures of British heroes like Agatha Christie, Diana Dors and Bonar Law inside to really make your patriotism swell.”

22-year-old Jordan Gardner said: “It says here I’ve got to smoke eight Woodbines a week, or forfeit all my other rations. Is that legal?”