The white person's guide to being a dick about your white privilege

A REPORT has suggested that the idea of ‘white privilege’ is holding white children back. This is probably bollocks, but why not get angry about it anyway? Here’s how.

Blame all your problems on anti-white prejudice

Do you work in a tedious office instead of, say, being a billionaire with a big, tacky yacht? This is clearly due to people pointing out that racial discrimination is a thing, and not your mediocre GCSE results.

Ignore the obvious benefits of being white

You can drive a BMW without endless police stops. You can go on public transport without some wanker telling you to ‘go home’ despite the fact you were born in Worcestershire. ‘Count your blessings’ is the sort of trite rubbish your mum comes out with, but sometimes it’s true.

Furiously go on Twitter

Don’t bother to consider the whole issue, just type nonsense like ‘When will us Angle Saxons be treated equelly in are own country?’ It’s a proven fact that the most effective way to improve your life – and society in general – is to rant about something on the endless hate-filled snake pit that is Twitter.

Believe everything you read 

Culture war bullshit is clearly beneficial to the Tories and newspapers who want clicks. Don’t think about this. Instead assume every media story is 100 per cent true, eg. schools are going to ban The Very Hungry Caterpillar for not being a Rastafarian because some strange Tory MP said so.

Don’t do anything constructive

F**k that. Don’t help your kids with their homework. Instead nurture a deep sense of grievance that you’re being persecuted for being white when your biggest actual real-life problem is needing to get your boiler serviced. 

Six f**king good reasons to never take part in a pub quiz

WITH pubs reopening, are you tempted to pop down for quiz night? Here’s why you should stay the f**k away:

The questions are shit

Your local’s not bothering to compose fun, interesting questions. They’ll simply have a thick volume of obscure trivia and will ask ‘What’s the capital of Tanzania?’ Which if you don’t know, you don’t know.

You actually just want to get pissed

Shortly after the triv begins you’ll remember you just fancied a few drinks and a laugh. Forget that. You are locked into a two-hour process of people intensely filling in forms and shushing you when you talk.

There are professional teams

Every pub quiz will have at least one team of porcine middle-aged nerds who know the atomic weight of Strontium and the year Franklin D. Roosevelt died. You can’t beat them, except you already have because you’ve had sex.

Pen-scratching silence

As players mutter quietly while trying to name Duran Duran’s All She Wants Is, a deathly silence will reign over the hostelry. Great if your idea of a good night is a pint at a funeral.

Cheating bastards

Pub trivia stakes aren’t high, at best £60 split between several people. Nonetheless f**kers will get on their mobiles to Google every question. It defeats the whole point and they’ll be disqualified, but they will at least have learnt what year The NeverEnding Story was released. (1984.)

You need the toilet

The regimented nature of pub quizzes means everyone goes to the toilet at the same time. This is painful, but at least you can eavesdrop on who won figure-skating gold at the 1976 Winter Olympics as you piss.

Even if you win, you’re the arsehole

This isn’t Slumdog Millionaire, where your answers come from your crazy life. The only way to win is to know dull-ass shit like the year the Suez Canal opened and the names of all Japan’s islands. That’s not stuff you pick up during a fun and fruitful existence. You lose.