The working-class guide to middle-class people

YOU’VE been forced to interact with one of the middle-classes. But who are they? What do they want? Was that thing they said meant to be funny? Use this guide: 


The middle-classes have more money than you, but the weird thing is they’re embarrassed about it. So ask a perfectly normal question like how much their motor cost or what kind of scratch they pull down, they’ll go red and shuffle and avoid answering. Freaks.


They are obsessed with schools. They think about nothing but all day long. Mention what school your kids are at and they pounce with probing questions about the curriculum, which, I mean, search me. Dunno why it’s such a big deal. Maybe their kids are thick.


Shelves of them, they’ve got. It’s like politicians in Zoom calls. But all they ever want to talk about is what box-sets they’re watching, and they only bring that up so they can say they’re rewatching The West Wing. Dunno what it’s about. Battle of Britain, maybe?


Stay right off it. Honestly, mention anything in the news and they’re shaking like shitting dogs in fear you’ll say something racist or you voted Tory or whatever and they’ll have to explain how wrong you are. It’s almost worth doing for the rabbit-in-headlights face.


You know like crisps have gone, where it can’t be cheese and onion, it has to be cave-aged cheddar and caramelised shallots? That’s them. They eat all the same shit we do but with extra adjectives and a shelf full of bloody cookbooks.


F**k me do they put it away. Seriously. I like a few cans myself but go round there and they’re necking wine like it’s water. Men and women. And they’re all over the weed and if you want to get out of there with any coke left keep it to yourself. Must be stressful, being middle-class.

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New dating app matches couples based on correct grammar usage

A NEW dating app matches couples entirely based on correct grammar usage in written communications. 

Grammarian does not allow users to look at photographs of each other or share personal information, instead focusing on exchanging long and impeccably-composed messages with unimpeachable grammar and no spelling errors.

21-year-old Grace Wood-Morris said: “The number of times I’ve fallen for a set of delicious abdominals only to find the mind attached can’t tell the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’.

“Indeed, often they are unable to recognise that there is a difference. It makes the subsequent sex so hollow and unsatisfying.

“On Grammarian, I’m currently 145-messages deep with a gentleman who never splits infinitives or allows a run-on sentence. I have never in my life been so aroused.”

Founder Denys Finch Hatton said: “If you’re into grammar it doesn’t matter if you’re with a Playboy bunny, the moment she texts ‘Me and Brandi want a threesome’ instead of ‘Brandi and I’, you’ve lost your erection for life.

“Personally I think these people are sick, sick perverts, but their money’s good.”